Best Part, Worst Part

We just started a new little ritual at our dinner table that has turned out to be a great success. I have to caveat this by saying this was TOTALLY not my idea. I stole it from one of my friends who is a mother of 4 and takes care of all of her kids while her husband serves in Afghanistan 10 months out of the year. She is the true definition of Super Mom and much more amazing and innovative than I will ever be.

I am a big fan of everyone sitting around the dinner table and engaging in conversation in that Norman Rockwell-esque "family togetherness" time. I understand that family schedules don't always work out to have this special time every night...parents work late, kids have early bedtimes, soccer, ballet, whatever the case may be. However, AT LEAST 2 nights out of the week should be spent together at a family dinner. And note that this "family time" does not always have to mean sitting for an hour debating world issues. It can just be a 10 minute ritual of all coming together as a family over a pizza.

That being said, we have been doing a family dinner almost every single night, with the exception of some weekend nights when we put the kids to bed and Scott and I enjoy dinner alone. As Brooke as gotten older, she's gotten more into the "eat and run" mentality. She has better things to do, according to her :) So when I heard about Best Part, Worst Part I thought I would give it a try as a means to keep her at the table.

The concept is simple. You just go around the table and everyone tells what the best part of their day was. Then, they tell what the worst part was. Sounds simple and even juvenile, but it has turned out to be a hit!!

Number One, it gets us all talking. It completely gets you out of this conversation,

"So, Brooke how was your day at school?"
"Good."
"What did you do today?"
"Nothing."
"So you just sat in class at stared at the walls all day?"
"Yep!"

Now that we do Best Part, Worst Part, I am hearing all sorts of funny stories about what happens at school and what she did all day. MUCH better than, "Nothing."

Number Two, it gets you and your spouse talking! I never know what to ask about Scott's day. Soooo.....what did you do today? Like I would really understand anyway! But by hearing the best part and worst part, it just makes it easier to talk about things that went on during the day.

Number Three, it's great for little ones because you just call it a "game." Let's play Best Part, Worst Part!! Little ones will do almost ANYthing if it's called a "game."

Last, I think it has helped us all be very grateful for what we have. Once we go over the "worst parts," we realize that if someone cutting me off on the freeway or spilling my coffee on my skirt was the WORST part of my day...wow, how lucky am I!?

All in all, this has been a huge hit at dinnertime and Brooke now stays at the table long enough to talk about her day. In fact, a couple of days ago I forgot to "play" the game and Brooke was reminded me, "WAIT!! We have to play Best Part, Worst Part!" I love it!

Let the Parenting Begin

Brookey is off to Kindergarten tomorrow. It might sound strange, but I feel like this is my last day of "easy" parenting with Miss Brooke. I know, there were the middle of the night feedings, sleepless nights, reflux/vomiting, potty training and everything in between and I'm calling all that EASY??! Well, yes. To me, that is the easy part of parenting. Feeding a baby, cleaning up puke and giving out M&M's to go pee in the potty takes very little brains whatsoever. I'm not saying all of that is not important--it is! And it's extremely hard work! It's labor intensive and physically exhausting. Actually, I am getting sleepy thinking about it...But as I sit here and reflect on those things as distant memories, I can't help to feel like tonight is my rite of passage--tonight I am truly entering parenthood. The part of parenting that takes more than sustaining your kid's basic needs so they can see another day. More than feeding, clothing and putting a roof over their head. As our kids enter the world of school, I feel like a teeny bit of childhood ends and a whole new, exciting world of friendships, social groups, test-taking and homework now begins.

We, as Educated, Common Sense parents always want what is best for our child. We might find ourselves agonizing over decisions like which school to send our kids to, public vs. private, which teachers they'll have or if so-and-so the bratty kid is in their class. Our "helicopter parent" generation wants everything to be just "so" for our kids. But as always, we have to put everything into perspective. As heartbreaking as it is, here are some things that we all need to realize in the midst of our agonizing over our kids and their school success:

- They will fail.
- They will have their hearts broken.
- They will have an awful teacher (or two, or five)
- Someone will dislike them.
- They will be wronged.
- They won't always be treated fairly.
- They will only learn about 25% of what they need to know for life in school. Most of the rest is up to you...and them :)

Might sound pretty pretty depressing at first but don't forget, all of these things happened to us, and unfortunately, will happen to our kids as well. We cannot protect them from everything. There is no perfect school. There are no perfect teachers. There are no perfect kids. There are no perfect parents. These imperfections are things we have to live with and they are all learning experiences. Someone said it more eloquently than I will, but the saying goes something like, "It's not the situation that matters, but rather how you handle the situation that really builds character."

We cannot guarantee our kids will be happy every moment. We can't guarantee they'll have Ms. Smith the seemingly perfect 1st grade teacher. We can't guarantee everyone will like them. We can't ensure that mean kids won't say hurtful things. But what we can do is attempt to teach our children how to handle these situations. We can teach them right from wrong, instill in them a desire to succeed, how to treat others, how to handle adversity, and overall, what Gary Ezzo would say, "Teach them how to be a child who is a joy to be around."

How do we do that?? I have a few ideas on things but really, this is all just the beginning for me--actually raising and child and not just sustaining their basic needs. Hmmmm...those middle of the night feedings aren't sounding half bad now.

Parent Now, Friend Later

Gary Ezzo's book Childwise: Parenting your child from 3 to 7 years outlines several guidelines or "principles" to parenting children in this age group. Each one of these principles is outstanding, however one of my favorite is Principle #2: Use the strength of your leadership early on and the strength of your relationship later.

Young children, especially those under 2 are almost solely led by the power of your authority. You are the one who dictates what they'll eat, what they'll wear, how long they'll stay on the blanket, how long their bath will be and so forth. Children at this age simply do not have the cognitive reasoning skills to make solid decisions at this age.

As children get older, you may begin to give them more "freedoms" and decision making authority if they have demonstrated they are ready to do this. For instance, you may let them choose their own clothes because you have taught them to make logical choices in this area--you can't wear a sundress when it's 25 degrees and snowing.

As children get older, it should be our goal to parent by the power of our influence, rather than by the power of our authority. I think we all know teenagers, or we can remember from our own teenage years, that parent screaming and yelling at you [aka: trying to assert their authority]. And this produces what from a teenager? Eye rolling? Extreme frustration? Profanity? Depleted sense of self worth? All of the above?

Ezzo puts the stages of parenting into a "sports" metaphor which made it very clear to understand, although note that I have changed his analogies slightly...

Phase 1: "Leadership"
Birth to age 6
This is the time when you assert your authoritative (not permissive, not authoritarian) role as a parent. You set clear limits and and have fair, logical consequences. You set boundaries. This is the point where you need to let your child know that YOU run the show. You child cannot control you.

To put it in a sports analogy, pretend this is the phase where a player comes to you knowing NOTHING about the game. It is your job to teach them the basics. But if you can't control the child, will you be able to teach? Will they be able to learn?

If you have this phase down, it plants the seeds for future success throughout the other phases.

Phase 2: "Coaching"
Age 7 to 12

Ok, so the kid knows the basics of the game now. They know they're supposed to hike the ball and try to get it into the endzone. They know they're not supposed to use their hands in soccer. Heck, given the great coach/leader you are, you might have even taught them some fancy plays like a Hail Mary or Statue of Liberty. Now it's your job to continue their finesse, continue to run plays, train in the weightroom--and pulling them aside at certain times when they do something wrong and help led them in the right direction again. You're not teaching them the entire game--you already did that. They get it. Your role is now slowly moving from more of a teacher of the game to a coach. They still have a lot to learn, they still need your coaching. That's OK. You're still on the practice field.

Phase 3: "Game Time!"
Age 13-19

Yep, we hit the dreaded teenage years. This is game night. Your child is now officially in the game and your role is the coach. Now as a coach on the sidelines, you can still call plays, still huddle during timeouts and give a few pointers. But you can't stop the game and say, "You know Billy, you are supposed to try and hit the ball when you step up to homeplate. Then you try to run around the bases." By game time, I would hope to God that you had already taught your kids the basics!! The training period has passed and here is the scary part: this is the time when you see how good of a job you did training and coaching.

Ever hear an interview of a losing head coach who says, "We were just out-coached?" You can't let this happen to you. We can't fail our kids in the leadership and coaching phases, because once it's game time (age 13+), there is not a whole lot we can do completely change a "player." Ezzo says, "How well you coach your children will determine how well they run the plays of life."

Each of these phases rests upon on another. Your child will not accept your coaching if you didn't do a good job as a trainer (setting limits, establishing authority). They will only listen to your coaching if you established yourself as a leader (a parent, not a friend). And most important, they will only play well and make good decisions in the game of life if you were a good coach and leader.

Do you see how that works? Do you see how if a good foundation is not set from the beginning, yelling, screaming and lecturing your teenager will never work? A child has to be open and willing to accept your coaching on game day. You do this by establishing yourself as a good coach. This is not to say that your teenager will always respect you and listen to what you have to say (not to mention, LIKE what you have to say!). But you will get much further with your kids down the road if a solid foundation is established.

Before I forget, here's the last and best phase, in my opinion...

Phase 4: Friendship
Adulthood

A few years (maybe more!!) down the road the player comes back to visit his coach. They sit down, have a cup of coffee and they two begin their new relationship. No longer as player and coach, but as friends. This is the end goal, I think, and every parent's hope. To sit down with their grown children someday and have a true friendship and closeness with them. I think too many parents want to rush this step much, much too early. I like how Ezzo's puts it: "Too many parents try to cash in on this friendship early...but with so many things, if we spend it now, we may not have it later."

Kindergarten...Ready or Not!

It was a six month process deciding whether or not to send my oldest, Brooke to Kindergarten. She was not blessed with a "normal" birthday that happen in the months of January-June. If you child's birthday falls within those months, consider yourself lucky. No decisions need to be made. The August after your child turns 5, he/she is off to Kindergarten! In most states the official cut-off date is October 1st. As your child's birthday gets closer to that date, you are faced with more of a "decision" situation. To send your child when he or she is a young 5, or wait until they are an older, 6.

If we lived in "most states," we would not have been faced with any decision whatsoever. Brooke's birthday is November 28th--she would not be going to Kindergarten this year. But in California, we like to do things differently. Our cutoff date (for now, at least) is December 2. For many parents, this would be an easy decision. Since the current "trend" is that all kids need to get a head start and have the upper hand in life (yes, beginning in Kindergarten!!!), the vast majority of parents would wait to send their child with a November 28th birthday.

As cliche as this sounds--and I speak from experience--it really IS a very individual, very personal decision. How many times have we heard "every child is different??" Well, it's true. Every parent is different, too. Some parents can't wait to get their kids the he*& out of the house and off to school, where other parents just try to hold on to their baby as long as they can. And then there are some of us who are in between. I want to do what is best for my child. Not what's necessarily what's best for me.

There are several factors that will determine if your child is ready for kindergarten. There is no real "litmus" test of Kindergarten readiness, but there are certain skills and considerations that should come into play when making your decision. I will outline those below.

Before I do, my personal opinion about whether to send your child to Kindergarten is this: if they have the skills listed below and you have considered the items listed below in making your decision, then I say SEND THEM. Research has shown that kids who enter Kindergarten older, do in fact, outperform their peers....until 3rd/4th grade and everything evens out again. So if you're dead-set on having a Kindergarten or 1st grade honor student, by all means, wait. Just don't think that Harvard will be knocking on their door because of this decision. :-)

The following are skills your child should have before going to Kindergarten. I compiled this list from various state's education department "Kindergarten Readiness" lists as well as Brooke's Kindergarten entrance assessment. Note that MANY, MANY students do not come to school with all of these skills. But chances are, if you are reading this blog, you want your kid to come to Kindergarten and hit the ground running! Just don't worry if they haven't mastered every single one of these skills by Day 1. I would say 90% mastery is fine:

Pre-Reading/Writing
1. Write first name, legibly
2. Recognizes letters of the alphabet (upper or lowercase)
3. Knows some letter sounds
4. Can name items that start with a certain letter
5. Interested in books
6. Can sit and listen to a story for at least 15 minutes
7. Recognizes name by sight

Math
1. Counts to at least 10
2. Counts objects to 5
3. Knows bigger/smaller, shorter/taller
4. Knows colors
5. Sorts by color
6. Knows basic shapes
7. Can put together a 10-30 piece puzzle

Language & Communication
1. Speaks clearly and in complete sentences.
2. Uses pronouns correctly: I, you, they, them
3. States name, names of parents, age, birthday and other basic questions when asked
4. Asks questions
5. Can sing simple songs and poems
6. Can effectively express emotions

Motor Skills
1. Cuts (semi) straight lines
2. Can roughly cut a large object (i.e. circle, square)
3. Draws simple lines, shapes, stick figures
4. Copies/traces letters, shapes
5. Can hop on one foot
6. Kicks and throws a ball
7. Holds pencils/crayons with correct grip

Social Skills
1. Plays cooperatively with others
2. Understands how to share and take turns
3. Tries new things
4. Can separate from parents with a huge scene
5. Can sit and listen attentively for up to 20-30 minutes
6. Can focus on a single task for 10 minutes (i.e. coloring a picture, doing a project)
7. Follows directions
8. Can work on or do activities independently
9. Can use the bathroom independently

Important questions to ask yourself
- Is our decision child-centered or parent-centered? Can't stand your kid and dying to send them to school?! That would be a parent-centered reason to send them to Kindergarten. Chances are, if you can't stand your kid, they're not ready for Kindergarten anyway.

- In general, can my child get along with different kinds of children? For instance, they just don't get along with their best friend--they share and cooperate with most other children, too.

- How much time are you willing to spend devoted to your child's schoolwork? Being a teacher, I know I'll be right on top of Brooke's schoolwork. If there is a skill I feel she is lacking, I will definitely put in the time to work with her on this. I feel confident I'll be able to work with her on any skills she might be lacking since she's starting school "early." Some parents don't feel confident with that role. In that case, it might be better to wait.

- What does my child's preschool teacher say about his/her kindergarten readiness? This could be one of the most important things you can do to assess your child's readiness. I was 100% ready to send Brooke to another year of preschool until I spoke with her teacher about her readiness for Kindergarten. You will find most preschool teachers are quite candid when talking about this. They don't want to see kids set up to fail. If they think you child is not ready, chances are, they will tell you. Additionally, often kids behave differently in the classroom than they do at home. They might not sit and listen to you read a story for 20 minutes, but when they're in a big group, they will listen to the teacher. Be sure to get the preschool teacher's input on how they behave in the classroom.

- Am I over-thinking things? Many of us do that. We fast-forward 10 years and start thinking things like, "She'll be the LAST to drive in her class!" or "He'll be the oldest and most mature in his class and date younger girls!" Please. We're talking the difference of roughly a year--not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I can name "the old-ests" and "young-ests" in high school and they all turned out fine. No permanant damage done.

At the end of the day, know that if you have taken the all of the above into consideration, I really don't see how you (or your child) can lose.

The Truth About Santa?

The holiday season is in full swing and if you have kids, this can definitely be one of the happiest (and busiest) times of the year! However, I feel it is my duty to point out some of the parenting stupidity out there regarding Christmas, Santa and your kids.

I recently read an article somewhere that discussed Santa and how you should approach the Santa discussion with your kids. The article asked, "When you tell your children about Santa, aren't you ultimately telling them a lie?" [Um..YES] It went on to recommend that when your kids ask about Santa or when the topic arises you should turn the question back on them by saying, "Now sweetie, do you really think Santa could fit through our chimney?" or "Do you think there is enough time in one night for Santa to deliver ALL the gifts to every boy and girl in the world?" or "Do you think Santa puts all the gifts under the tree or do you think Mommy and Daddy do?"

Ok, people. Lighten up here. Christmas time and a discussion about Santa is not the place I am going to decide to teach critical thinking skills to my 4 year old. Does she really think there is enough time in one night for Santa to deliver ALL the gifts to every boy and girl in the world? Actually, YES! Considering she a) has no clue how many boys and girls there are in the world and b) she doesn't really have a firm grasp on TIME unless it's today, tomorrow, yesterday or RIGHT NOW!! So PLEASE! If you have older kids, you may end up having the "discussion" with them, but I feel like most kids just end up deciding when they want to "give up" Santa on their own. Kinda like when they decide to give up their security blanket...one day, they figure out none of their friends are doing it and they stop doing it too.

And if you don't mind, let's use a little common sense here....each and every one of us, at some point in our life got our bubbles burst about Santa. Quite frankly, I have no recollection of when I found out the "awful truth" but somehow, someway....YES, I am STILL ALIVE!! No permanent damage done. I don't even think I needed counseling to help me through this difficult time. Christmas is supposed to be a FUN time. If your kid wants to believe in Santa, let them. They'll figure it out sooner or later...let them be a kid for awhile. Appreciate this innocence. I'm really finding out that it sure doesn't last long.

Raising a Happy Child

If someone asked you "What do you want for your child" and you only had one second to answer, what would you say? More than likely the first word that would come to your mind would not be rich, sexy or famous--it would probably be "happy." Nothing makes our hearts swell more than to hear those little infant giggles or to watch our toddlers chase bubbles like it was the most fascinating, joyful activity in the world--sheer happiness in our children in a joy to experience.

But how can we be sure we raising happy children? We can't be sure. Environmental and genetic factors definitely come into play in determining whether our little cherubs will end up "happy." However, there are things we can do to help them along.

Edward Hallowell, author of The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness outlines several things we can do to help raise happy children who remain happy adults.

His research shows that "over indulged" children who are showered with toys and who are constantly kept out of harms way emotionally (think back to "Everyone Gets a Trophy") may end up cynical and joyless teenagers. He says the best predictors of happiness are internal, not external. In other words, help your kids develop self-coping skills. Let them make mistakes and learn from them. Skills like patience and flexibility can give children the inner strength to get through life's ups and downs.

Here are a few things Hallowell recommends along with my own two cents. Note that these relate to little kids--toddler to preschooler--but can be applied to older kids as well:

1) Good sleep and healthy habits: You've read enough of my posts to know how I feel about sleep. It could be the #1 predictor to how happy your child is day-to-day. Teaching your child good eating and exercise habits is also important. No, they may not always eat the spinach or brussel sprouts you put in front of them, but by making them "try" or "take two bites" you are teaching them that eating healthy food is important to you--and it should be important to them as well.

2) Help them develop their interests and talents...without pushing too hard. Sure, we all want our kid to be the next Tiger Woods. Oh, wait...did I just say that? Let's see...Yo-Yo Ma? Michael Jordan? At any rate, we would LOVE for them to be a superstar! However, as we are very aware, we don't all have the God-given talent to be a famous sports star or concert pianist. Some of us have other much more boring "talents" such as being super organized or being able to make fancy Excel tables with their eyes closed. Help your child develop their "talents" however small or boring the might seem to you. For instance, Brookey seems to have an amazing talent for remembering things--words, pictures, events. So I decided to teach her a few Kindergarten sight words. Low and behold, it didn't take her any time at all to start memorizing these words. No, it might not get her a Division I scholarship, but she might do OK in Kindergarten. Likewise, don't PUSH you child tooooo hard to, for instance, learn to read. Brookey is INTERESTED in doing Hooked on Phonics and learning to read. Not all 4 year olds are. That is completely OK. Believe me, your kids will turn out fine! I really wanted Brooke to love gymnastics, but one day she decided she was "done." I went with it, even though it made me pretty mad. I figure at some point we can try it again, but right now I'm going to let her develop her own interests.

3) Let them struggle a bit: No, your job as a parent is not to make sure your child is happy...every single second of the day. They shed a tear, you don't automatically need to scoop them up and "save" them. They're struggling to cut a piece of paper? You don't have to take the paper and scissors and cut it for them. This is NOT how you raise a happy child. This is how you raise an interdependent, helpless child!! Let them make some mistakes. That's how we all learn. And even more important, teach them COPING skills. They're frustrated because they can't cut the paper on a straight line? Teach them what they could do, which might include calmly asking for help. By letting kids learn on their own we create a sense of independence and confidence...which leads to greater self-esteem and happiness. And the best thing--we didn't even have to give them a trophy!

4) Be a good role model: As your kids get older, it becomes very apparent how much of a role model you are to them. You'll find them repeating things you say or taking on your preferences and mannerisms. Scary, but it can be helpful if you play your cards right. Happy parents usually equal a happy child. Stressed parents often exude this stress onto their kids directly and indirectly. Not to say there can be no stress in your lives. Obviously, there is! But be very aware of how you might transfer YOUR OWN day's stress onto your kids. Deal with that privately or with your spouse. Don't take it out on your kids.

5) Have FUN. The daily grind for me is wake up, get the kids dressed, quick breakfast and off to school...then come home, cook/eat dinner, baths, bed. Some days it seems like just that--a GRIND. Many days it seems like I am rushing, rushing, rushing. Where is the fun in that? Not all days are fun, but try to make it a point that every weekend is family time. When I feel like the day or the week has been too crazy and I am always rushing my kids someplace, I'll do something "fun" out of the blue like pick Brookey up early and go to ice-cream or to the library. No matter how busy I am, I always try to somehow, fit FUN into the day's equation....even if it means Brookey staying up 30 minutes later so we can cuddle and watch and movie together or bake cookies.

Here's to happy kids!!

Ready for School? Part II

Last week, I talked about what Gary Ezzo believes to be the most important school readiness "skills." The two from last week--sleep and structure/routine. These skills are more the product of the home environment ("nurture") rather than inherent traits however can be strengthened or weakened by general temperament ("nature"). Some kids are "born to sleep" and are just generally adaptable kids no matter what parents do. However, if kids are not this "sleep-wise" and adaptable, parents can have a large part in ensuring their kids get the sleep and structure they NEED.

The next two--attention span and focusing-- are the opposite. These are more inherent skills ("nature") but can be strengthened or weakened by by home environment ("nurture"). Some kids are just born with longer attention spans than others. Some kids have no problem focusing on objects. You can see this as young as 2-3 months when they are playing on their little playmat. Some kids--like Will--can just be down there playing and grabbing and cooing for an hour at age 4 months. Brooke, on the other hand, could not play on the mat for more than a few minutes without getting "bored." However, this does not mean that "nurture" or home environment cannot play a HUGE role in developing (or hindering) and child's attention and focusing skills.

Attention Span: Ask any pediatrician what the #1 prescribed medicine is (at least in MY school district) and it's ADD meds. It's rampant. I bet 50% of kids at my school are on some kind of ADD med!! Yes, some people have a longer attention span than others. By the look of things, my daughter is on the LOW end and my son will be on the HIGH end. :-) But Brooke does not suffer from ADD or ADHD. Some kids truly do suffer from it and it's a disorder that definitely does exist. But it does not exist in 50% of the population. For 48% of them, it's learned. Attention span can be weakened and strengthened by environmental factors.

Attention span develops in a structured environment and it develops at a very young age. When I was home with Brooke this summer, I did my best to have planned activities for her throughout the day. Some requiring my assistance, but many of them independent. For example, I would say--it's puzzle time! And she would choose some puzzles to work on for a set amount of time. Another thing I do with her is work on coloring. Which, done correctly, takes a lot of attention, focus and concentration. I would give her a picture and tell her to do her "best preschool coloring" which means everything had to be colored and colored within the lines (as much as she can at this point! just no aimless scribbling!). At first, she had trouble with coloring the WHOLE picture perfectly without wanting to move on to another picture, but as time went on she improved a lot. Just little activities like that once a day can definitely help build attention skills.

I also did "Roomtime" which Preschoolwise recommends. I gave her a choice of a few activities she could play with independently upstairs in her room. She would have to play independently for a set amount of time. Preschoolwise says 45 minutes but I think that is a bit much. I did 15-30 minutes. With younger children (about 6 months and up) you can do the same sort of thing but in the Pack 'n Play. Just have one or two "activities" in the PNP and allow him to play independently (without you in DIRECT sight) for a set amount of time. If your baby hasn't been playing independently I would start on the really low side (5 min!) and then slowly work from there. Babies, especially around 9 months when separation anxiety kicks in, need to know that you are coming back. Both Roomtime and Pack 'n Play time allow your child to focus on just one or two things at a time, instead of running around aimlessly from activity to activity. It is never too early to start developing a good attention span....think about those college lecture halls! And it is always easier to start early than to try and fix a bad habit :)

Focusing: This goes hand in hand with attention span. This is the ability to focus on something without being distracted by your surroundings or other things going on around you. In a school setting, this is vital as there are distractions EVERYWHERE! Other kids talking, the pencil sharpener, the door opening and closing, you name it.

According to Ezzo, the ability to focus is developed by giving children time to play by themselves when given a set activity and set time limits. Ezzo says this playtime needs to be in a place where they are not easily distracted. I'm not sure about this. I think focusing on something when there is other stuff going on around you is something that needs to be practiced. Preschool is a great place to practice! Another way to practice is having your older child do a worksheet (or coloring, whatever activity you choose) with their other sibling in the room or while you are making dinner. Try to see if she can stay focused with pots clanging and siblings talking around her.

When kids are about 3, you can talk to them about focusing and explain to them they need to concentrate on the activity they are doing. I definitely struggle with this one with Brooke. She is VERY easily distracted. At tennis, her teacher will be showing her a backhand and she'll be staring at the football players walking out of the locker room nearby. Gentle reminding works well with her, too. Kids at age 3 are in such "imagination mode" they sometimes need a reminder to be brought back to the real world! :-)

Given there are no other major problems such as a learning disability, children who get enough sleep, have structure, a developed attention span and focusing skills WILL, more than likely, be quite successful in school. These are not easily developed skills especially if your child isn't inherently born with one or all of these skills! However, with work and practice YOU, the parent, can "train" your children on ALL of these skills. Like anything else in parenting, it might be tough, but the payoff will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

Ready for School? Part I

As Brooke gets ready to enter to first "school" experience (preschool!), I've been thinking a lot lately about what I have done to prepare her for this experience.

Some people are adamantly against teaching children at this age any "academic" skills. The argument is, children need to be free to explore their world, letting self discovering be main focus of learning. I don't completely subscribe to that theory and am not against teaching your preschooler academic skills. You can get into heated debates about flashcards and those "Teach my Baby to Read" DVD's. I am neutral on this--I think it is really up to how comfortable parents feel with this sort of thing. Remember friends, the keyword here is balance. Common sense. Don't have your 2 year all spending 3 hours a day with flashcards and teaching him to read. He's a BABY. Let him be one! On the other hand, you cannot completely disregard "academics." since little ones are such sponges at this age it would be a shame not to capitalize on it a little bit! Not to mention, too much "self-discovery" can lead to some not-so-productive behavior as well!

Gary Ezzo's book Preschoolwise, outlines the top "school readiness" skills that children should have before entering kindergarten. Although there are many specific learning skills you should be responsible for teaching your child such as math readiness and reading readiness (more on those in a later post), he stresses that the MOST important skills are not academic in nature. They are "skills" are are absolutely essential to to create a solid foundation for learning, however are often overlooked when parents begin preparing their child for Kindergarten. As a teacher, I have to agree with him on all of these wholeheartedly:

1) Sleep
2) Structure and Routine
3) Attention Span
4) Focusing

I will go over the first two in this blog:

1) The Sleep Factor: This is crucial, yet not taken seriously by many parents. I feel like most parents UNDERSTAND their child's need for sleep, however they are not willing to make the sacrifices that might be needed to protect their child's sleep. All new parents can understand how vital sleep is to their overall functioning throughout the day. When I have restless, interrupted sleep and wake up super exhausted, I am a completely different person. A spilled glass of milk can put me over the edge. When I am well rested, I don't even think twice about those things! Think about your child trying to concentrate all day in school not having slept well! Yes, he WILL be the "problem child!" Marc Weisbluth, author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child did a study of 2,700 children with superior intelligence. The common link between them all? They all experienced healthy nighttime sleep!

Every person and every child has different "optimal" sleep requirements. Some of us can power through and do great on less sleep. Others like myself, need 8 hours to be at peak performance. The sleep recommendations for school aged children is 10-11 hours a night. For preschoolers it's 11-13 hours. My daughter is on the low end of this at about 11.5-12 hours each night. I am guessing from the way my son is, he will be on the high end. Kid needs his shut eye! Find your child's OPTIMAL sleep time and do whatever it takes to protect it. Your child's teacher will thank you :-)

2) Structure and Routine: Preschoolers and school aged children do their best when they have consistency, predictability and boundaries. When limits are set at home (no, you cannot stay up as late you want and no, you cannot have every Barbie you see at Target), your child will have a much easier time adjusting to the many limits they will be exposed to during school. We all have busy lives but some sort of routine or structure can do wonders for a child. Even if it's just laying with them and reading stories for 15 minutes every night. That is something they can look forward to and expect. It gives a calm end to the day and a chance for you to spend quality time with your little one.

I will go over the last two skills, attention span and focusing next week.

What Do You Want for Your Children?

Sometime during your child's life--whether it be when they're still in the womb, a busy toddler or a sleeping angel--you may have thought: What do I want for her in life? What kind of person do I want her to be? I think most parents immediate reaction would be happy and healthy!

Health is one thing that we are not 100% in control of. We can make sure our kids are safe, not let them drink soda out of their bottles or visit McDonald's on a daily basis. We take them to their well-child visits and comfort them when they're sick. Other than that, a lot of health problems are not within your control. So let's just assume health is given. You want your child to be healthy. Duh.

Moving on--happy. Sure, we want our kids to be HAPPY. But that is not attainable at all times, nor is it completely within our control. I guess you could say you want your kid to have a generally happy temperament.....that's fair. But to expect them to be happy at all times is ridiculous. No matter how hard you try, your angel will experience heartache and have emotionally and physically painful things happen to them (breaking bones and getting dumped in 11th grade come to mind). Yep, we'll have to see them through all of the pain and unhappiness. That's just life and it's not always within our control to make sure our kids are happy all the time....although it's a good goal to have.

So forget happy and healthy for now--we'll do our best on those two things, but let's think about things we may actually have more control over.

I hate it when other writers take your thoughts and succinctly paraphrase them far better than you ever could. Gary Ezzo, author of the Babywise series, does that to me quite a lot. In fact, after I started this blog about common sense parenting, I began reading Childwise and in the Introduction Ezzo writes,"Childwise is filled with helpful strategies that will not make you feel guilty of fearful, but will cause you to think through each [parenting] challenge with that old-fashioned thing called common sense." Darn it!!! So being a common sense parent wasn't all my idea!!!

But I digress....my point is that I am always thinking about, "So what do I want for my kids??? How to I want to raise them?" I pick up Childwise, and there I have it--all written out in three concise bullets. These are unlike "health and happiness," these are more attainable goals and goals that parents can have strong control over, if they choose. See if you agree:

Goals of Parenting

1) Parents want to enjoy their children. Why have kids if you're not going to enjoy them?? You want to try and enjoy them at every stage--even if they are smashing peas onto the TV or slamming doors in your face. Parents need to find a way to control behavior so it makes it possible to enjoy their children.

2) Parents want to raise children who are a joy to be with AND for others to be around: Every parent loves their kid and (should) find it a joy to be around them (at least 90% of the time-missed naptimes and travel meltdowns/blowouts excluded!), but not all others may share a parent's rose-colored glasses. For some parents, their child can do no wrong. So another goal should be: Parents want other people to enjoy their children. It's a lot easier for other people to enjoy your child if they are polite, well-mannered, respectful and well-adjusted. I think "happy" fits in here--people would obviously rather be around a happy, cheerful kid than a whiny brat. It was the biggest compliment when Brookey's daycare teacher would say things like, "She is such a joy to have here!" Sure, she's a joy to ME but that is worthless if she's a pain in the ass to other people.

3) Parents want their children to be well-prepared for life: Parents should want their children to be socially, intellectually and morally ready to handle the outside world when they're not around. And don't think of this in terms of when the kids are 18 and out of the house. This applies the first time they go to the babysitters or their first day of Kindergarten. Skills like manners, moral decision-making, and handling disappointment are good examples of skills we can teach to help our kids be prepared for life.

Parents have control over all three of these goals--for the most part. We attain these goals by instilling good values in our kids--and this means different things in every family. We can control behavior so they're not out of control brats. And we can give them the tools they need to make it in the world...and as Ezzo says, "without GIVING them the world."

Recipe of the Week: It's a Fiesta!

I am always looking for new, healthy recipe ideas that will satisfy me, my somewhat picky husband and a my 3 year old. I am never afraid to experiment or try a new recipe. Through lots and lots of trial and error, I have found many recipes that are "keepers" and are archived in my family recipe book. I will try and post a new healthy, family-friendly recipe each week. As you try them, feel free to let me know how your family liked them--especially the little ones!



Homemade Low-Fat Tortilla Chips and Guacamole in the Bag

Oven Baked, Low Fat Tortilla Chips
Since we have been making these chips, we can never go back to the store brand tortilla chips. They have 7 grams less fat than regular tortilla chips per serving and A LOT less sodium if you go easy on the salt.

20 small corn tortillas
Olive oil spray
Sea Salt

- Preheat oven to 375
- Spray baking sheets with olive oil spray
- Cut tortillas in triangles (quarters)
- Arrange tortillas in an even layer on baking sheets. Spray with olive oil spray and sprinkle with sea salt.
- Bake at 375 about 10-15 minutes until golden brown and crispy.
- Chips can be made ahead and stored a week or more in an airtight container or resealable plastic bag.

Guacamole in the Bag
** I know this one is kid friendly because Brooke would eat the whole bowl if we let her!

- 2 ripe avocados
- Juice of half a lime
- 2 tablespoons minced cilantro (or to taste)
- 2-4 tablespoons of canned, diced tomatoes, well drained (i know, canned tomatoes sounds weird but it really works! Of course you can use fresh, too)
- 1 teaspoon of sea salt (or to taste)
- 1-2 teaspoons store-bought guac mix

- Combine all ingredients in a large Ziploc bag; seal.
- Mash together with your hands until completely combined and desired consistency; transfer to serving bowl; taste;reseason
- Refrigerate about an hour to allow flavors to marry or serve immediately with your homemade chips!