Brookey is off to Kindergarten tomorrow. It might sound strange, but I feel like this is my last day of "easy" parenting with Miss Brooke. I know, there were the middle of the night feedings, sleepless nights, reflux/vomiting, potty training and everything in between and I'm calling all that EASY??! Well, yes. To me, that is the easy part of parenting. Feeding a baby, cleaning up puke and giving out M&M's to go pee in the potty takes very little brains whatsoever. I'm not saying all of that is not important--it is! And it's extremely hard work! It's labor intensive and physically exhausting. Actually, I am getting sleepy thinking about it...But as I sit here and reflect on those things as distant memories, I can't help to feel like tonight is my rite of passage--tonight I am truly entering parenthood. The part of parenting that takes more than sustaining your kid's basic needs so they can see another day. More than feeding, clothing and putting a roof over their head. As our kids enter the world of school, I feel like a teeny bit of childhood ends and a whole new, exciting world of friendships, social groups, test-taking and homework now begins.
We, as Educated, Common Sense parents always want what is best for our child. We might find ourselves agonizing over decisions like which school to send our kids to, public vs. private, which teachers they'll have or if so-and-so the bratty kid is in their class. Our "helicopter parent" generation wants everything to be just "so" for our kids. But as always, we have to put everything into perspective. As heartbreaking as it is, here are some things that we all need to realize in the midst of our agonizing over our kids and their school success:
- They will fail.
- They will have their hearts broken.
- They will have an awful teacher (or two, or five)
- Someone will dislike them.
- They will be wronged.
- They won't always be treated fairly.
- They will only learn about 25% of what they need to know for life in school. Most of the rest is up to you...and them :)
Might sound pretty pretty depressing at first but don't forget, all of these things happened to us, and unfortunately, will happen to our kids as well. We cannot protect them from everything. There is no perfect school. There are no perfect teachers. There are no perfect kids. There are no perfect parents. These imperfections are things we have to live with and they are all learning experiences. Someone said it more eloquently than I will, but the saying goes something like, "It's not the situation that matters, but rather how you handle the situation that really builds character."
We cannot guarantee our kids will be happy every moment. We can't guarantee they'll have Ms. Smith the seemingly perfect 1st grade teacher. We can't guarantee everyone will like them. We can't ensure that mean kids won't say hurtful things. But what we can do is attempt to teach our children how to handle these situations. We can teach them right from wrong, instill in them a desire to succeed, how to treat others, how to handle adversity, and overall, what Gary Ezzo would say, "Teach them how to be a child who is a joy to be around."
How do we do that?? I have a few ideas on things but really, this is all just the beginning for me--actually raising and child and not just sustaining their basic needs. Hmmmm...those middle of the night feedings aren't sounding half bad now.
Showing posts with label Gary Ezzo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gary Ezzo. Show all posts
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, July 13, 2009
What Do You Want for Your Children?
Sometime during your child's life--whether it be when they're still in the womb, a busy toddler or a sleeping angel--you may have thought: What do I want for her in life? What kind of person do I want her to be? I think most parents immediate reaction would be happy and healthy!
Health is one thing that we are not 100% in control of. We can make sure our kids are safe, not let them drink soda out of their bottles or visit McDonald's on a daily basis. We take them to their well-child visits and comfort them when they're sick. Other than that, a lot of health problems are not within your control. So let's just assume health is given. You want your child to be healthy. Duh.
Moving on--happy. Sure, we want our kids to be HAPPY. But that is not attainable at all times, nor is it completely within our control. I guess you could say you want your kid to have a generally happy temperament.....that's fair. But to expect them to be happy at all times is ridiculous. No matter how hard you try, your angel will experience heartache and have emotionally and physically painful things happen to them (breaking bones and getting dumped in 11th grade come to mind). Yep, we'll have to see them through all of the pain and unhappiness. That's just life and it's not always within our control to make sure our kids are happy all the time....although it's a good goal to have.
So forget happy and healthy for now--we'll do our best on those two things, but let's think about things we may actually have more control over.
I hate it when other writers take your thoughts and succinctly paraphrase them far better than you ever could. Gary Ezzo, author of the Babywise series, does that to me quite a lot. In fact, after I started this blog about common sense parenting, I began reading Childwise and in the Introduction Ezzo writes,"Childwise is filled with helpful strategies that will not make you feel guilty of fearful, but will cause you to think through each [parenting] challenge with that old-fashioned thing called common sense." Darn it!!! So being a common sense parent wasn't all my idea!!!
But I digress....my point is that I am always thinking about, "So what do I want for my kids??? How to I want to raise them?" I pick up Childwise, and there I have it--all written out in three concise bullets. These are unlike "health and happiness," these are more attainable goals and goals that parents can have strong control over, if they choose. See if you agree:
Goals of Parenting
1) Parents want to enjoy their children. Why have kids if you're not going to enjoy them?? You want to try and enjoy them at every stage--even if they are smashing peas onto the TV or slamming doors in your face. Parents need to find a way to control behavior so it makes it possible to enjoy their children.
2) Parents want to raise children who are a joy to be with AND for others to be around: Every parent loves their kid and (should) find it a joy to be around them (at least 90% of the time-missed naptimes and travel meltdowns/blowouts excluded!), but not all others may share a parent's rose-colored glasses. For some parents, their child can do no wrong. So another goal should be: Parents want other people to enjoy their children. It's a lot easier for other people to enjoy your child if they are polite, well-mannered, respectful and well-adjusted. I think "happy" fits in here--people would obviously rather be around a happy, cheerful kid than a whiny brat. It was the biggest compliment when Brookey's daycare teacher would say things like, "She is such a joy to have here!" Sure, she's a joy to ME but that is worthless if she's a pain in the ass to other people.
3) Parents want their children to be well-prepared for life: Parents should want their children to be socially, intellectually and morally ready to handle the outside world when they're not around. And don't think of this in terms of when the kids are 18 and out of the house. This applies the first time they go to the babysitters or their first day of Kindergarten. Skills like manners, moral decision-making, and handling disappointment are good examples of skills we can teach to help our kids be prepared for life.
Parents have control over all three of these goals--for the most part. We attain these goals by instilling good values in our kids--and this means different things in every family. We can control behavior so they're not out of control brats. And we can give them the tools they need to make it in the world...and as Ezzo says, "without GIVING them the world."
Health is one thing that we are not 100% in control of. We can make sure our kids are safe, not let them drink soda out of their bottles or visit McDonald's on a daily basis. We take them to their well-child visits and comfort them when they're sick. Other than that, a lot of health problems are not within your control. So let's just assume health is given. You want your child to be healthy. Duh.
Moving on--happy. Sure, we want our kids to be HAPPY. But that is not attainable at all times, nor is it completely within our control. I guess you could say you want your kid to have a generally happy temperament.....that's fair. But to expect them to be happy at all times is ridiculous. No matter how hard you try, your angel will experience heartache and have emotionally and physically painful things happen to them (breaking bones and getting dumped in 11th grade come to mind). Yep, we'll have to see them through all of the pain and unhappiness. That's just life and it's not always within our control to make sure our kids are happy all the time....although it's a good goal to have.
So forget happy and healthy for now--we'll do our best on those two things, but let's think about things we may actually have more control over.
I hate it when other writers take your thoughts and succinctly paraphrase them far better than you ever could. Gary Ezzo, author of the Babywise series, does that to me quite a lot. In fact, after I started this blog about common sense parenting, I began reading Childwise and in the Introduction Ezzo writes,"Childwise is filled with helpful strategies that will not make you feel guilty of fearful, but will cause you to think through each [parenting] challenge with that old-fashioned thing called common sense." Darn it!!! So being a common sense parent wasn't all my idea!!!
But I digress....my point is that I am always thinking about, "So what do I want for my kids??? How to I want to raise them?" I pick up Childwise, and there I have it--all written out in three concise bullets. These are unlike "health and happiness," these are more attainable goals and goals that parents can have strong control over, if they choose. See if you agree:
Goals of Parenting
1) Parents want to enjoy their children. Why have kids if you're not going to enjoy them?? You want to try and enjoy them at every stage--even if they are smashing peas onto the TV or slamming doors in your face. Parents need to find a way to control behavior so it makes it possible to enjoy their children.
2) Parents want to raise children who are a joy to be with AND for others to be around: Every parent loves their kid and (should) find it a joy to be around them (at least 90% of the time-missed naptimes and travel meltdowns/blowouts excluded!), but not all others may share a parent's rose-colored glasses. For some parents, their child can do no wrong. So another goal should be: Parents want other people to enjoy their children. It's a lot easier for other people to enjoy your child if they are polite, well-mannered, respectful and well-adjusted. I think "happy" fits in here--people would obviously rather be around a happy, cheerful kid than a whiny brat. It was the biggest compliment when Brookey's daycare teacher would say things like, "She is such a joy to have here!" Sure, she's a joy to ME but that is worthless if she's a pain in the ass to other people.
3) Parents want their children to be well-prepared for life: Parents should want their children to be socially, intellectually and morally ready to handle the outside world when they're not around. And don't think of this in terms of when the kids are 18 and out of the house. This applies the first time they go to the babysitters or their first day of Kindergarten. Skills like manners, moral decision-making, and handling disappointment are good examples of skills we can teach to help our kids be prepared for life.
Parents have control over all three of these goals--for the most part. We attain these goals by instilling good values in our kids--and this means different things in every family. We can control behavior so they're not out of control brats. And we can give them the tools they need to make it in the world...and as Ezzo says, "without GIVING them the world."
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