Best Part, Worst Part

We just started a new little ritual at our dinner table that has turned out to be a great success. I have to caveat this by saying this was TOTALLY not my idea. I stole it from one of my friends who is a mother of 4 and takes care of all of her kids while her husband serves in Afghanistan 10 months out of the year. She is the true definition of Super Mom and much more amazing and innovative than I will ever be.

I am a big fan of everyone sitting around the dinner table and engaging in conversation in that Norman Rockwell-esque "family togetherness" time. I understand that family schedules don't always work out to have this special time every night...parents work late, kids have early bedtimes, soccer, ballet, whatever the case may be. However, AT LEAST 2 nights out of the week should be spent together at a family dinner. And note that this "family time" does not always have to mean sitting for an hour debating world issues. It can just be a 10 minute ritual of all coming together as a family over a pizza.

That being said, we have been doing a family dinner almost every single night, with the exception of some weekend nights when we put the kids to bed and Scott and I enjoy dinner alone. As Brooke as gotten older, she's gotten more into the "eat and run" mentality. She has better things to do, according to her :) So when I heard about Best Part, Worst Part I thought I would give it a try as a means to keep her at the table.

The concept is simple. You just go around the table and everyone tells what the best part of their day was. Then, they tell what the worst part was. Sounds simple and even juvenile, but it has turned out to be a hit!!

Number One, it gets us all talking. It completely gets you out of this conversation,

"So, Brooke how was your day at school?"
"Good."
"What did you do today?"
"Nothing."
"So you just sat in class at stared at the walls all day?"
"Yep!"

Now that we do Best Part, Worst Part, I am hearing all sorts of funny stories about what happens at school and what she did all day. MUCH better than, "Nothing."

Number Two, it gets you and your spouse talking! I never know what to ask about Scott's day. Soooo.....what did you do today? Like I would really understand anyway! But by hearing the best part and worst part, it just makes it easier to talk about things that went on during the day.

Number Three, it's great for little ones because you just call it a "game." Let's play Best Part, Worst Part!! Little ones will do almost ANYthing if it's called a "game."

Last, I think it has helped us all be very grateful for what we have. Once we go over the "worst parts," we realize that if someone cutting me off on the freeway or spilling my coffee on my skirt was the WORST part of my day...wow, how lucky am I!?

All in all, this has been a huge hit at dinnertime and Brooke now stays at the table long enough to talk about her day. In fact, a couple of days ago I forgot to "play" the game and Brooke was reminded me, "WAIT!! We have to play Best Part, Worst Part!" I love it!

Parent Now, Friend Later

Gary Ezzo's book Childwise: Parenting your child from 3 to 7 years outlines several guidelines or "principles" to parenting children in this age group. Each one of these principles is outstanding, however one of my favorite is Principle #2: Use the strength of your leadership early on and the strength of your relationship later.

Young children, especially those under 2 are almost solely led by the power of your authority. You are the one who dictates what they'll eat, what they'll wear, how long they'll stay on the blanket, how long their bath will be and so forth. Children at this age simply do not have the cognitive reasoning skills to make solid decisions at this age.

As children get older, you may begin to give them more "freedoms" and decision making authority if they have demonstrated they are ready to do this. For instance, you may let them choose their own clothes because you have taught them to make logical choices in this area--you can't wear a sundress when it's 25 degrees and snowing.

As children get older, it should be our goal to parent by the power of our influence, rather than by the power of our authority. I think we all know teenagers, or we can remember from our own teenage years, that parent screaming and yelling at you [aka: trying to assert their authority]. And this produces what from a teenager? Eye rolling? Extreme frustration? Profanity? Depleted sense of self worth? All of the above?

Ezzo puts the stages of parenting into a "sports" metaphor which made it very clear to understand, although note that I have changed his analogies slightly...

Phase 1: "Leadership"
Birth to age 6
This is the time when you assert your authoritative (not permissive, not authoritarian) role as a parent. You set clear limits and and have fair, logical consequences. You set boundaries. This is the point where you need to let your child know that YOU run the show. You child cannot control you.

To put it in a sports analogy, pretend this is the phase where a player comes to you knowing NOTHING about the game. It is your job to teach them the basics. But if you can't control the child, will you be able to teach? Will they be able to learn?

If you have this phase down, it plants the seeds for future success throughout the other phases.

Phase 2: "Coaching"
Age 7 to 12

Ok, so the kid knows the basics of the game now. They know they're supposed to hike the ball and try to get it into the endzone. They know they're not supposed to use their hands in soccer. Heck, given the great coach/leader you are, you might have even taught them some fancy plays like a Hail Mary or Statue of Liberty. Now it's your job to continue their finesse, continue to run plays, train in the weightroom--and pulling them aside at certain times when they do something wrong and help led them in the right direction again. You're not teaching them the entire game--you already did that. They get it. Your role is now slowly moving from more of a teacher of the game to a coach. They still have a lot to learn, they still need your coaching. That's OK. You're still on the practice field.

Phase 3: "Game Time!"
Age 13-19

Yep, we hit the dreaded teenage years. This is game night. Your child is now officially in the game and your role is the coach. Now as a coach on the sidelines, you can still call plays, still huddle during timeouts and give a few pointers. But you can't stop the game and say, "You know Billy, you are supposed to try and hit the ball when you step up to homeplate. Then you try to run around the bases." By game time, I would hope to God that you had already taught your kids the basics!! The training period has passed and here is the scary part: this is the time when you see how good of a job you did training and coaching.

Ever hear an interview of a losing head coach who says, "We were just out-coached?" You can't let this happen to you. We can't fail our kids in the leadership and coaching phases, because once it's game time (age 13+), there is not a whole lot we can do completely change a "player." Ezzo says, "How well you coach your children will determine how well they run the plays of life."

Each of these phases rests upon on another. Your child will not accept your coaching if you didn't do a good job as a trainer (setting limits, establishing authority). They will only listen to your coaching if you established yourself as a leader (a parent, not a friend). And most important, they will only play well and make good decisions in the game of life if you were a good coach and leader.

Do you see how that works? Do you see how if a good foundation is not set from the beginning, yelling, screaming and lecturing your teenager will never work? A child has to be open and willing to accept your coaching on game day. You do this by establishing yourself as a good coach. This is not to say that your teenager will always respect you and listen to what you have to say (not to mention, LIKE what you have to say!). But you will get much further with your kids down the road if a solid foundation is established.

Before I forget, here's the last and best phase, in my opinion...

Phase 4: Friendship
Adulthood

A few years (maybe more!!) down the road the player comes back to visit his coach. They sit down, have a cup of coffee and they two begin their new relationship. No longer as player and coach, but as friends. This is the end goal, I think, and every parent's hope. To sit down with their grown children someday and have a true friendship and closeness with them. I think too many parents want to rush this step much, much too early. I like how Ezzo's puts it: "Too many parents try to cash in on this friendship early...but with so many things, if we spend it now, we may not have it later."

Splatter & Shake Paintings

This activity was slightly messy (especially when a certain 15 month old got a hold of a paint container and opened it), but very fun. Both Preschooler and Pretoddler enjoyed it.

Materials Needed
- Empty coffee canister(s) or any cylinder-shaped container
- Different colors of (washable) paint (i.e. poster paint)
- Paper
- Various small items to make the splatters. We used different beads and rice. You could also use dried beans, marbles, rocks, paper clips, coins.

Age Range Recommendations
- 12 months +

Directions
- Put the paper on the inside of the coffee can (you might have to cut it a little to fit)
- Put a small amount of paint in the can. One or two colors works best.
- Drop in a few of the small objects and close the lid.
- Shake, shake, shake the can!! (Will liked this part best!)
- Take off the lid and check out your design! You may want to add more paint or more objects. Masterpiece!!

The above "painting" is Will's. Below is Brooke's. It doesn't really matter the age, all the paintings turn out cute!!

Homemade Face Painting

Brookey has gotten her face painted a dozen or so times at birthday parties, fairs, carnivals, etc. She ALWAYS loves it, so why not do it at home?! It costs virtually nothing, since most of the materials you probably have on hand. Have fun painting your little one! And let them have a chance to paint YOU, too...don't worry, the "paint" is washable with soap and water!!

Homemade Face Paint Recipe

Bowl or small container(s)
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1/2 face cream/cold cream/heavy lotion (white--i used Aveeno Baby Lotion)
1/2 teaspoon water
Food coloring
Small paintbrushes


Mix cornstarch and cream together until smooth. Add water and stir. Add food coloring one drop at a time until you get the desired color. Apply with small paintbrushes and wash off with soap and water. You can store the "paint" in small containers or jars. Baby food jars or those Gerber baby food containers work well. I have to tell you that I got a: "You're the best mom ever!" with this activity. Let that be your motivation! ENJOY!

Outdoor Activity: Washing Toys!

This was a great outdoor activity I got from the Preschoolers Busy Book. Both Brooke and Will had a blast with it and I FINALLY found a use for Buddy's old baby bathtub!

All I did was fill an old baby bathtub with soapy water. Then I dumped all their plastic bath toys in the tub, gave them a few washcloths and told them to start washing! What's not fun about splashing around in soapy water on a summer's day?? Plus, all their bath toys are clean now!

Materials Needed
- Plastic baby bathtub or large plastic bin
- Various toys (baby dishes, play dishes and Tupperware also work well)
- Soap/Water
- Washcloths

Age Range Recommendation
- Ages 1-6

Setting Limits Part III: The Process

The reason I like Setting Limits so much is because it's not really a "magic system"...it's really just common sense. Here are the steps I recommend you take to implement this common-sense process with your child:

1) DECIDE ON A TARGET BEHAVIOR: Decide on your top one or two "annoying" behaviors and focus on those. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, so don't expect your child to reverse every annoying behavior right away. Most parents' top "annoying" behaviors include: 1) Whining 2) Not listening/ignoring instructions; purposely misbehaving 3) Inability to share or play well with other children 4) Tantrums/Pouting when they don't get their way.

2) LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES: Decide on what your "logical consequence" for the behavior will be. A logical consequence is a consequence that fits the crime. Too often parents let misbehavior go and by the time 5pm rolls around and your child has been misbehaving all day, parents lose it. The kid does one minor misbehavior and Mom takes away TV privileges for a week or explodes and makes him stay in his room for an hour. Those consequences are not driven by logic, they are driven by emotion.

**Remember, what I write only applies to what I know and things I have tried. So my only knowledge is with 18 months to 4 year olds. With that in mind, most misbehavior can be solved with the logical consequence of a time out. We started time out with Brooke at about 18 months. At this age we thought she was old enough to understand right from wrong and she was also mature enough to understand consequences. Some 18 months olds are not--you have to judge for yourself. But somewhere around this age, you can start implementing time out. More on the timeout procedure later.

3) SET THE LIMIT:

- Younger Kids (18 months-3'ish years): As soon as misbehavior occurs (not after it's happened for the 50th time that day and you're frustrated and tired), give ONE, SIMPLE warning. Something like, "Michael, we don't whine. It's not nice. Stop whining or you'll go to timeout (or, "you'll be spending some time alone")." For little kids, keep it simple, very few words.

- Older kids (3 years & up): Once kids get older, empower them to realize that they have the power to make their own decisions: "Michael, you know we don't whine. You can keep whining or you can spend some time by yourself...WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" Those words are key. That makes them actually have to answer, which is quite powerful. When I phrase things like this, I feel like it's kind of an "ah-ha" moment for Brooke. Like she's thinking, "DUH--I don't want to be alone or go to timeout!!!" For your strong-willed ones, if they don't answer that is the same as continuing the behavior. See Step 4.

ALWAYS REMEMBER:

**Use your NORMAL tone of voice. Be calm, but firm. Look your child in the eye.

4) FOLLOW THROUGH: This is THE most important step!! This is where most parents fail miserably. After you have given the warning with the logical consequence, you MUST MUST MUST follow through the VERY next time it happens. So your kid is yelling, you give the warning, he keeps yelling (Remember, he's your little scientist! He's gathering his data!). TOOOOOOOOOO many parents (I have been a victim) keep up with the warnings: "Michael, I TOLD you to STOP YELLING!" Again: "Do you want to go to timeout??" Again: "How many times do I have to tell you!!??" With each warning, our blood pressure rises. This is why many parents are frazzled and burned out. They have spent their whole day threatening their kid and never actually disciplining them.

So what SHOULD you do? Misbehavior happens again. You say, "Ok, I'm sorry. We don't whine. You need to spend some time in timeout." Take him to timeout and say, "You need to stay here until I tell you to get up. I will set the timer." AND SET THE TIMER. I use the tried and true rule of one minute per year of age. I use the timer on my microwave so Brooke can hear it from her timeout and know when time is up. DON'T CHEAT and don't try to "guess" when X minutes has passed. Use a timer!!!

5) CLEAN THE SLATE: When the timer goes off, go to your child. Resist any temptation to over-explain or "lecture." By now, they know what they did was wrong and that you won't accept it. End of story. Hopefully, your child's time in timeout has given you time to compose yourself as well. Please don't hold a grudge!! Many parents like to say things like, "Next time you do that, you'll be there for 20 minutes!" or "I don't know how many times I have to tell you!" Not very educated, common sense parenting'ish. The slate is clean and welcome your child back to whatever you were doing. Keep your words simple like, "Ok, it looks like you're ready to come back! Let's finish playing that game!" Keep your tone of voice upbeat. Take your child's hand and lead them back. Let them know you're not "mad" at them.

And that, my friends is all there is to it. Sounds pretty easy, huh? It IS. If you stay consistent with this process, I can almost guarantee behavior will improve. The hard part is staying consistent. You can't let X behavior (i.e whining) slide one day and then crack down with "Setting Limits" the next. Talk about confusing your child! No wonder he acts out. You need to do the procedure EVERY TIME behavior occurs.

Yes, there are some problems that may occur and some troubleshooting that needs to happen. I'll write a "Troubleshooting" post soon. Happy limit setting!!!

Setting Limits Part II: Our Little Scientists

In his book, Setting Limits, Dr. MacKenzie compares children to mini scientists. Little do most of us know that our little scientists are constantly doing research and taking data on how we teach and enforce our rules.

For example, picture a 3 year old sitting in a movie theater kicking the chair in front of him. You say, "Honey please stop." He stops for a minute and keeps doing it. You say again, "I told you to stop that." He keeps doing it. You say, "Stop that right now or we're leaving!" He stops for awhile and starts again after 10 minutes pass. The people in front of you end up moving after giving you a dirty look. You go on watching the movie. Problem solved. So what data has your little scientist collected from this series of events? You guessed it--your words are meaningless. He doesn't have to listen to you because you never do anything but repeat yourself, raise your voice and threaten. No big deal for him!

Gary Ezzo's book, Toddlerwise gives "obedience percentages" by age. An obedience percentage is the amount of times your child **should** comply with your instructions:

2 years old: 60%
3 years old: 70%
4-5 years old: 85%-90%

As educated, common sense parents, of course we want those percentages to be as close to 100% as possible! And quite honestly, it's not too much to expect that your child obey 85%-90% of the time, no matter what his age. The majority of young children WANT to please. Brooke definitely falls into the 85%-90% range. Most of the time, she does what I ask. However, she does have a very strong-willed side to her. When this side comes out, she will explain and try to negotiate her way out of compliance. She challenges the hell out of her dad and me on some things. I can only imagine how it will be when she's a teenager! When she pulls this on us, I definitely have to use my Setting Limits knowledge and parent her differently than I would when she's being compliant.

Likewise, you might have one child who is very compliant and another who is strong-willed. You will have to parent these two children differently. Going back to the scientist metaphor, compliant children don't need much "data" to make their decisions: you tell them to do something and your words are enough to make them comply. On the other hand, the strong-willed child is dubbed the "aggressive researcher" by MacKenzie. He will constantly "test" you to see if your words have any value. He needs more than your words to make him compliant. He needs to know your actions will speak along with your words. Go back to the strong-willed child at the movie theater. He is thinking: Will she actually take me out of the theater for kicking the chair? Let me try and see. He kicks the chair again and you don't do as you threatened. Research project over.

These aggressive researchers are not "bad" kids. They simply have different personalities that require you to "parent" a little harder. Since we learned at a very young age that Brooke did have this strong-willed side to her, we started Setting Limits with her at about age 2. It's always better to start early when the problem has not escalated into a full scale family war. Remember, good habits are easier to create than bad ones are to break. We used limits and logical consequences with Brooke as early as 18 months, which included time out. When we first started, we had to do timeouts fairly frequently. But as we got problems nipped in the bud, it has become a lot less frequent. I've sent her to timeout maybe once in the past year.

I will discuss in a lot more detail setting limits, logical consequences and the timeout procedure in the next post.

Setting Limits Part 1

My sister in law recently asked me if I knew of any good "parenting" books that she could relate to for her 2 year old. I told her hands-down, the best book on parenting I have read thus far (and I have read quite a few!) is Setting Limits by Robert J. MacKenzie. Let's face it, around 18 months (give or take), we've hopefully got the eating and sleeping things sorted out with our kids. Now it's time to move from "caring" for your child, to actually parenting your child. This is when the fun begins!

I'll be writing a series of posts on all different aspects of this book. Hopefully you will find them helpful. I learned so much by reading this book.

I have had the pleasure of meeting Dr. MacKenzie in person last year. He and his team trained our entire teaching staff on how to set limits in the classroom. He's also held a number of parenting seminars for the parents at our school And lord knows, many of them need to learn a thing or two about parenting! We've been implementing his program at our school with great success.

Dr. MacKenzie is a smart, witty, easy-going, common sense kind of guy---which of course is why I like him so much. His methods are straight-forward and are practically all just plain COMMON SENSE. No special "methods" or "tricks"...no getting in touch with the "primitive" side of your toddler--for those of you who have read The Happiest Toddler on the Block. The great thing is, you can read this book and you will be able to relate it to your 2 year old who throws applesauce off his highchair to your 16 year old who constantly breaks her curfew. It's timeless! However, I have not had the opportunity to parent any child older than 4, so I will not be commenting on how this book relates to anyone older than 4. I will only talk about my personal experience with this book with a 2-4 year old.

The first thing this book does is categorize three different parenting approaches:

1) The Punitive Parent: Punitive parents are often caught yelling things like: "Do that one more time and I'll...[insert threat here]," or "How many times do I have to tell you..." Punitive parents yell and threaten. They can be found in grocery stores around nap time and in the Target toy aisle. Punitive parents present themselves as frustrated, mean and exhausted. More than likely, we've all been a punitive parent at one time or another. I know I have! Although this isn't my typical parenting approach, I have definitely been known to raise my voice and use false threats: "Stop that right now you're going to bed!" (it's 5pm, and that would be nearly impossible). It mostly happens when I am exhausted or stress gets the best of me. For many parents, however, threats are the only way they know how to "parent."

2) The Permissive Parent: Permissive parents permeate the upper middle class. These types of parents are often overly-concerned about their child's feelings...never wanting them to be upset, hurt or disappointed. Permissive parents often end their sentences with"OK." "Spencer, stop banging your brother's head against the wall, OK?" Permissive parents tend to over-explain, and want to parent their children as "equals" instead of clearly establishing themselves as the person in charge. Permissive parents are always trying to bargain, plead, lecture and negotiate with their children. Children of permissive parents rule their households. They have learned that their parents never follow through on any sort of "limits" they set and they also have learned the art of negotiating their way out of undesired things such as going to bed.

3) The Setting Limits Parent: This is the approach endorsed by Dr. MacKenzie and I'm sure in our minds, what we all strive to be. The Setting Limits parent is fair, yet firm. These parents are clearly in charge, without being a dictator. The allow their children freedom, but with limits. This parenting approach requires that you set fair and firm limits and FOLLOW through each time. As with sleep training your infant, it is not always the easiest parenting approach emotionally-speaking, but this is a long term parenting approach, not a short term fix to get your kid to stop throwing a fit in the grocery store.

Imagine this: You're grocery shopping with your 2 year old. You are almost done when your toddler decides he wants a box of Captain Crunch. You say no. Toddler starts whining. You hold firm and try to explain--"No, sweetie, that type of cereal will rot your teeth and then you'll have to go to the dentist and...blah, blah, blah." [The Permissive Parent] Toddler throws a fit, starts screaming. People start looking at. Yes, you are worst parent ever! :-) In frustration, you say, "OK just this once. But next time, we're getting Special K." Toddler is happy.

Now as educated, common sense parents, you know exactly what this person did wrong. But admit it--it IS easier to just quiet a screaming child and save yourself embarrassment, isn't it? Just like it's easier to nurse your baby to sleep for 12 months than hearing her cry every time you lay her down to bed. Easier in the short term, that is. Don't forget, my friends, parenting isn't about the short term. You're in it for the long haul.

I'll go into more detail on how Dr. MacKenzie recommends becoming a Setting Limits parent in future posts.

The Truth About Santa?

The holiday season is in full swing and if you have kids, this can definitely be one of the happiest (and busiest) times of the year! However, I feel it is my duty to point out some of the parenting stupidity out there regarding Christmas, Santa and your kids.

I recently read an article somewhere that discussed Santa and how you should approach the Santa discussion with your kids. The article asked, "When you tell your children about Santa, aren't you ultimately telling them a lie?" [Um..YES] It went on to recommend that when your kids ask about Santa or when the topic arises you should turn the question back on them by saying, "Now sweetie, do you really think Santa could fit through our chimney?" or "Do you think there is enough time in one night for Santa to deliver ALL the gifts to every boy and girl in the world?" or "Do you think Santa puts all the gifts under the tree or do you think Mommy and Daddy do?"

Ok, people. Lighten up here. Christmas time and a discussion about Santa is not the place I am going to decide to teach critical thinking skills to my 4 year old. Does she really think there is enough time in one night for Santa to deliver ALL the gifts to every boy and girl in the world? Actually, YES! Considering she a) has no clue how many boys and girls there are in the world and b) she doesn't really have a firm grasp on TIME unless it's today, tomorrow, yesterday or RIGHT NOW!! So PLEASE! If you have older kids, you may end up having the "discussion" with them, but I feel like most kids just end up deciding when they want to "give up" Santa on their own. Kinda like when they decide to give up their security blanket...one day, they figure out none of their friends are doing it and they stop doing it too.

And if you don't mind, let's use a little common sense here....each and every one of us, at some point in our life got our bubbles burst about Santa. Quite frankly, I have no recollection of when I found out the "awful truth" but somehow, someway....YES, I am STILL ALIVE!! No permanent damage done. I don't even think I needed counseling to help me through this difficult time. Christmas is supposed to be a FUN time. If your kid wants to believe in Santa, let them. They'll figure it out sooner or later...let them be a kid for awhile. Appreciate this innocence. I'm really finding out that it sure doesn't last long.

Raising a Happy Child

If someone asked you "What do you want for your child" and you only had one second to answer, what would you say? More than likely the first word that would come to your mind would not be rich, sexy or famous--it would probably be "happy." Nothing makes our hearts swell more than to hear those little infant giggles or to watch our toddlers chase bubbles like it was the most fascinating, joyful activity in the world--sheer happiness in our children in a joy to experience.

But how can we be sure we raising happy children? We can't be sure. Environmental and genetic factors definitely come into play in determining whether our little cherubs will end up "happy." However, there are things we can do to help them along.

Edward Hallowell, author of The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness outlines several things we can do to help raise happy children who remain happy adults.

His research shows that "over indulged" children who are showered with toys and who are constantly kept out of harms way emotionally (think back to "Everyone Gets a Trophy") may end up cynical and joyless teenagers. He says the best predictors of happiness are internal, not external. In other words, help your kids develop self-coping skills. Let them make mistakes and learn from them. Skills like patience and flexibility can give children the inner strength to get through life's ups and downs.

Here are a few things Hallowell recommends along with my own two cents. Note that these relate to little kids--toddler to preschooler--but can be applied to older kids as well:

1) Good sleep and healthy habits: You've read enough of my posts to know how I feel about sleep. It could be the #1 predictor to how happy your child is day-to-day. Teaching your child good eating and exercise habits is also important. No, they may not always eat the spinach or brussel sprouts you put in front of them, but by making them "try" or "take two bites" you are teaching them that eating healthy food is important to you--and it should be important to them as well.

2) Help them develop their interests and talents...without pushing too hard. Sure, we all want our kid to be the next Tiger Woods. Oh, wait...did I just say that? Let's see...Yo-Yo Ma? Michael Jordan? At any rate, we would LOVE for them to be a superstar! However, as we are very aware, we don't all have the God-given talent to be a famous sports star or concert pianist. Some of us have other much more boring "talents" such as being super organized or being able to make fancy Excel tables with their eyes closed. Help your child develop their "talents" however small or boring the might seem to you. For instance, Brookey seems to have an amazing talent for remembering things--words, pictures, events. So I decided to teach her a few Kindergarten sight words. Low and behold, it didn't take her any time at all to start memorizing these words. No, it might not get her a Division I scholarship, but she might do OK in Kindergarten. Likewise, don't PUSH you child tooooo hard to, for instance, learn to read. Brookey is INTERESTED in doing Hooked on Phonics and learning to read. Not all 4 year olds are. That is completely OK. Believe me, your kids will turn out fine! I really wanted Brooke to love gymnastics, but one day she decided she was "done." I went with it, even though it made me pretty mad. I figure at some point we can try it again, but right now I'm going to let her develop her own interests.

3) Let them struggle a bit: No, your job as a parent is not to make sure your child is happy...every single second of the day. They shed a tear, you don't automatically need to scoop them up and "save" them. They're struggling to cut a piece of paper? You don't have to take the paper and scissors and cut it for them. This is NOT how you raise a happy child. This is how you raise an interdependent, helpless child!! Let them make some mistakes. That's how we all learn. And even more important, teach them COPING skills. They're frustrated because they can't cut the paper on a straight line? Teach them what they could do, which might include calmly asking for help. By letting kids learn on their own we create a sense of independence and confidence...which leads to greater self-esteem and happiness. And the best thing--we didn't even have to give them a trophy!

4) Be a good role model: As your kids get older, it becomes very apparent how much of a role model you are to them. You'll find them repeating things you say or taking on your preferences and mannerisms. Scary, but it can be helpful if you play your cards right. Happy parents usually equal a happy child. Stressed parents often exude this stress onto their kids directly and indirectly. Not to say there can be no stress in your lives. Obviously, there is! But be very aware of how you might transfer YOUR OWN day's stress onto your kids. Deal with that privately or with your spouse. Don't take it out on your kids.

5) Have FUN. The daily grind for me is wake up, get the kids dressed, quick breakfast and off to school...then come home, cook/eat dinner, baths, bed. Some days it seems like just that--a GRIND. Many days it seems like I am rushing, rushing, rushing. Where is the fun in that? Not all days are fun, but try to make it a point that every weekend is family time. When I feel like the day or the week has been too crazy and I am always rushing my kids someplace, I'll do something "fun" out of the blue like pick Brookey up early and go to ice-cream or to the library. No matter how busy I am, I always try to somehow, fit FUN into the day's equation....even if it means Brookey staying up 30 minutes later so we can cuddle and watch and movie together or bake cookies.

Here's to happy kids!!

Ready for School? Part II

Last week, I talked about what Gary Ezzo believes to be the most important school readiness "skills." The two from last week--sleep and structure/routine. These skills are more the product of the home environment ("nurture") rather than inherent traits however can be strengthened or weakened by general temperament ("nature"). Some kids are "born to sleep" and are just generally adaptable kids no matter what parents do. However, if kids are not this "sleep-wise" and adaptable, parents can have a large part in ensuring their kids get the sleep and structure they NEED.

The next two--attention span and focusing-- are the opposite. These are more inherent skills ("nature") but can be strengthened or weakened by by home environment ("nurture"). Some kids are just born with longer attention spans than others. Some kids have no problem focusing on objects. You can see this as young as 2-3 months when they are playing on their little playmat. Some kids--like Will--can just be down there playing and grabbing and cooing for an hour at age 4 months. Brooke, on the other hand, could not play on the mat for more than a few minutes without getting "bored." However, this does not mean that "nurture" or home environment cannot play a HUGE role in developing (or hindering) and child's attention and focusing skills.

Attention Span: Ask any pediatrician what the #1 prescribed medicine is (at least in MY school district) and it's ADD meds. It's rampant. I bet 50% of kids at my school are on some kind of ADD med!! Yes, some people have a longer attention span than others. By the look of things, my daughter is on the LOW end and my son will be on the HIGH end. :-) But Brooke does not suffer from ADD or ADHD. Some kids truly do suffer from it and it's a disorder that definitely does exist. But it does not exist in 50% of the population. For 48% of them, it's learned. Attention span can be weakened and strengthened by environmental factors.

Attention span develops in a structured environment and it develops at a very young age. When I was home with Brooke this summer, I did my best to have planned activities for her throughout the day. Some requiring my assistance, but many of them independent. For example, I would say--it's puzzle time! And she would choose some puzzles to work on for a set amount of time. Another thing I do with her is work on coloring. Which, done correctly, takes a lot of attention, focus and concentration. I would give her a picture and tell her to do her "best preschool coloring" which means everything had to be colored and colored within the lines (as much as she can at this point! just no aimless scribbling!). At first, she had trouble with coloring the WHOLE picture perfectly without wanting to move on to another picture, but as time went on she improved a lot. Just little activities like that once a day can definitely help build attention skills.

I also did "Roomtime" which Preschoolwise recommends. I gave her a choice of a few activities she could play with independently upstairs in her room. She would have to play independently for a set amount of time. Preschoolwise says 45 minutes but I think that is a bit much. I did 15-30 minutes. With younger children (about 6 months and up) you can do the same sort of thing but in the Pack 'n Play. Just have one or two "activities" in the PNP and allow him to play independently (without you in DIRECT sight) for a set amount of time. If your baby hasn't been playing independently I would start on the really low side (5 min!) and then slowly work from there. Babies, especially around 9 months when separation anxiety kicks in, need to know that you are coming back. Both Roomtime and Pack 'n Play time allow your child to focus on just one or two things at a time, instead of running around aimlessly from activity to activity. It is never too early to start developing a good attention span....think about those college lecture halls! And it is always easier to start early than to try and fix a bad habit :)

Focusing: This goes hand in hand with attention span. This is the ability to focus on something without being distracted by your surroundings or other things going on around you. In a school setting, this is vital as there are distractions EVERYWHERE! Other kids talking, the pencil sharpener, the door opening and closing, you name it.

According to Ezzo, the ability to focus is developed by giving children time to play by themselves when given a set activity and set time limits. Ezzo says this playtime needs to be in a place where they are not easily distracted. I'm not sure about this. I think focusing on something when there is other stuff going on around you is something that needs to be practiced. Preschool is a great place to practice! Another way to practice is having your older child do a worksheet (or coloring, whatever activity you choose) with their other sibling in the room or while you are making dinner. Try to see if she can stay focused with pots clanging and siblings talking around her.

When kids are about 3, you can talk to them about focusing and explain to them they need to concentrate on the activity they are doing. I definitely struggle with this one with Brooke. She is VERY easily distracted. At tennis, her teacher will be showing her a backhand and she'll be staring at the football players walking out of the locker room nearby. Gentle reminding works well with her, too. Kids at age 3 are in such "imagination mode" they sometimes need a reminder to be brought back to the real world! :-)

Given there are no other major problems such as a learning disability, children who get enough sleep, have structure, a developed attention span and focusing skills WILL, more than likely, be quite successful in school. These are not easily developed skills especially if your child isn't inherently born with one or all of these skills! However, with work and practice YOU, the parent, can "train" your children on ALL of these skills. Like anything else in parenting, it might be tough, but the payoff will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

Ready for School? Part I

As Brooke gets ready to enter to first "school" experience (preschool!), I've been thinking a lot lately about what I have done to prepare her for this experience.

Some people are adamantly against teaching children at this age any "academic" skills. The argument is, children need to be free to explore their world, letting self discovering be main focus of learning. I don't completely subscribe to that theory and am not against teaching your preschooler academic skills. You can get into heated debates about flashcards and those "Teach my Baby to Read" DVD's. I am neutral on this--I think it is really up to how comfortable parents feel with this sort of thing. Remember friends, the keyword here is balance. Common sense. Don't have your 2 year all spending 3 hours a day with flashcards and teaching him to read. He's a BABY. Let him be one! On the other hand, you cannot completely disregard "academics." since little ones are such sponges at this age it would be a shame not to capitalize on it a little bit! Not to mention, too much "self-discovery" can lead to some not-so-productive behavior as well!

Gary Ezzo's book Preschoolwise, outlines the top "school readiness" skills that children should have before entering kindergarten. Although there are many specific learning skills you should be responsible for teaching your child such as math readiness and reading readiness (more on those in a later post), he stresses that the MOST important skills are not academic in nature. They are "skills" are are absolutely essential to to create a solid foundation for learning, however are often overlooked when parents begin preparing their child for Kindergarten. As a teacher, I have to agree with him on all of these wholeheartedly:

1) Sleep
2) Structure and Routine
3) Attention Span
4) Focusing

I will go over the first two in this blog:

1) The Sleep Factor: This is crucial, yet not taken seriously by many parents. I feel like most parents UNDERSTAND their child's need for sleep, however they are not willing to make the sacrifices that might be needed to protect their child's sleep. All new parents can understand how vital sleep is to their overall functioning throughout the day. When I have restless, interrupted sleep and wake up super exhausted, I am a completely different person. A spilled glass of milk can put me over the edge. When I am well rested, I don't even think twice about those things! Think about your child trying to concentrate all day in school not having slept well! Yes, he WILL be the "problem child!" Marc Weisbluth, author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child did a study of 2,700 children with superior intelligence. The common link between them all? They all experienced healthy nighttime sleep!

Every person and every child has different "optimal" sleep requirements. Some of us can power through and do great on less sleep. Others like myself, need 8 hours to be at peak performance. The sleep recommendations for school aged children is 10-11 hours a night. For preschoolers it's 11-13 hours. My daughter is on the low end of this at about 11.5-12 hours each night. I am guessing from the way my son is, he will be on the high end. Kid needs his shut eye! Find your child's OPTIMAL sleep time and do whatever it takes to protect it. Your child's teacher will thank you :-)

2) Structure and Routine: Preschoolers and school aged children do their best when they have consistency, predictability and boundaries. When limits are set at home (no, you cannot stay up as late you want and no, you cannot have every Barbie you see at Target), your child will have a much easier time adjusting to the many limits they will be exposed to during school. We all have busy lives but some sort of routine or structure can do wonders for a child. Even if it's just laying with them and reading stories for 15 minutes every night. That is something they can look forward to and expect. It gives a calm end to the day and a chance for you to spend quality time with your little one.

I will go over the last two skills, attention span and focusing next week.

Giving Everyone a Trophy and Other Dumb Things We Do

I am currently reading Gary Ezzo's 3rd book in the "Becoming" series, On Becoming Toddlerwise. Although I don't practice everything Ezzo's preaches, I love his old school, back-to-basics philosophy and his no-nonsense attitude towards parenting. He's not afraid to tell parents how it is--even if the truth hurts.

One of my favorite quotes in his books is from Toddlerwise when he talks about parents who are constantly trying to make their children happy (usually involves buying things for them), constantly trying to make sure their kid isn't sad...constantly trying to make everything "fair" for their child. He states in his book that instead of wasting your energy on all of this, "Train your child to learn to deal with disappointment. You cannot create a conflict-free environment.... [parents should] learn to deal with it."

To quote my favorite Bay Area talk show hosts Armstrong and Getty, "we have become a nation of veal-calves." Since when did we get so SOFT about everything? Take sports, for example. Since when is the one and only focus of school sports to have fun? Sure, run around and have fun but what happened to a little competitive spirit now and then? What about teaching our kids to be "good" losers? What about teaching them to master certain skills though patience, persistence and practice?

This doesn't just apply to sports. Although I agree that self esteem is a huge factor for how kids function mentally and socially, since when did we decide that an exorbitant amount of praise and not correcting our kids' mistakes for fear their so-called self esteem will be hurt, is the right thing to do? If my kid mispronounces a word or uses a word incorrectly, I correct her. I don't say, "No, you stupid idiot it's not RUNNED, it's RAN! God! You're so dumb! How are you ever going to function in society??!" That most likely would be a blow to her self esteem. But I do say, "You mean he RAN, right??" Or something like that. Hopefully she's not scarred for life.

My all time favorite indicator that we have become a nation of softies is when I hear stories about Little League teams that don't keep score or soccer tournaments where "everyone is a winner!" and every kid goes home with a trophy. Sure, that might be OK for 3 or 4 year olds--maybe. But as kids get older, here is the problem: when "everyone is a winner" what motivates kids to work harder? Sure, some kids may have the internal fortitude to be a hard worker, but others may need some pushing. And if you don't like competition, then don't play sports! Sports are BASED on competition. What would it be like to turn on Monday Night Football and have Al Michaels announce the two teams are not keeping score tonight. More than likely, sports fans would tune out.

I can tell you from the front lines at my school that kids these days are lazy. Their parents have become obsessed with making them happy and trying to make life FAIR for them they have forgotten that...you know what...life is NOT FAIR. You will not always get the promotion. You will not always be the prettiest person in your class or smartest person at work. So after being duped into thinking life is fair, these poor kids figure out when thet get into the real world that it's not. And what are they left with? Nothing. They have no idea how to handle disappointment. They are lazy, mad, spoiled and expect everything to be handed to them. If their parents hadn't been so obsessed with making everything happy and fair, they might have had some time to instill some actual FUNCTIONAL values into their child like hard work, patience, persistence, good sportsmanship and manners.

By the sound of this, it may seem as if I am a total hard-ass who just believes kids should sink or swim and not have any fun. That is not the case at all! (And those who know me can safely say I am nowhere near the definition of a "hard ass.") Self esteem is important to us all--everyone likes to feel good about themselves. And of course kids should have FUN--in fact, kids should be having fun 99% of the time. All I am saying is USE SOME COMMON SENSE!!! Yes, praise your child. Praise her every single day. Tell her you love her. Tell her she's the best kid in the whole wide world. Go to the park with her and play ball and don't keep score. On the flip side, within reason--correct your child if they do something wrong. Find a tactful, common sense way to do it. Don't be like a mom I saw at swimming lessons last week who stood at the edge of the pool for a half hour and screamed at her 4 year old for not doing something right. Again, use common sense. Teach your child to be a good sport, teach them to deal with disappointment--whether it's high school football or Candyland. You'll be doing them a huge favor when they are 30 and playing on their company's softball team....they'll know how to handle the situation when they don't get a trophy.

What Do You Want for Your Children?

Sometime during your child's life--whether it be when they're still in the womb, a busy toddler or a sleeping angel--you may have thought: What do I want for her in life? What kind of person do I want her to be? I think most parents immediate reaction would be happy and healthy!

Health is one thing that we are not 100% in control of. We can make sure our kids are safe, not let them drink soda out of their bottles or visit McDonald's on a daily basis. We take them to their well-child visits and comfort them when they're sick. Other than that, a lot of health problems are not within your control. So let's just assume health is given. You want your child to be healthy. Duh.

Moving on--happy. Sure, we want our kids to be HAPPY. But that is not attainable at all times, nor is it completely within our control. I guess you could say you want your kid to have a generally happy temperament.....that's fair. But to expect them to be happy at all times is ridiculous. No matter how hard you try, your angel will experience heartache and have emotionally and physically painful things happen to them (breaking bones and getting dumped in 11th grade come to mind). Yep, we'll have to see them through all of the pain and unhappiness. That's just life and it's not always within our control to make sure our kids are happy all the time....although it's a good goal to have.

So forget happy and healthy for now--we'll do our best on those two things, but let's think about things we may actually have more control over.

I hate it when other writers take your thoughts and succinctly paraphrase them far better than you ever could. Gary Ezzo, author of the Babywise series, does that to me quite a lot. In fact, after I started this blog about common sense parenting, I began reading Childwise and in the Introduction Ezzo writes,"Childwise is filled with helpful strategies that will not make you feel guilty of fearful, but will cause you to think through each [parenting] challenge with that old-fashioned thing called common sense." Darn it!!! So being a common sense parent wasn't all my idea!!!

But I digress....my point is that I am always thinking about, "So what do I want for my kids??? How to I want to raise them?" I pick up Childwise, and there I have it--all written out in three concise bullets. These are unlike "health and happiness," these are more attainable goals and goals that parents can have strong control over, if they choose. See if you agree:

Goals of Parenting

1) Parents want to enjoy their children. Why have kids if you're not going to enjoy them?? You want to try and enjoy them at every stage--even if they are smashing peas onto the TV or slamming doors in your face. Parents need to find a way to control behavior so it makes it possible to enjoy their children.

2) Parents want to raise children who are a joy to be with AND for others to be around: Every parent loves their kid and (should) find it a joy to be around them (at least 90% of the time-missed naptimes and travel meltdowns/blowouts excluded!), but not all others may share a parent's rose-colored glasses. For some parents, their child can do no wrong. So another goal should be: Parents want other people to enjoy their children. It's a lot easier for other people to enjoy your child if they are polite, well-mannered, respectful and well-adjusted. I think "happy" fits in here--people would obviously rather be around a happy, cheerful kid than a whiny brat. It was the biggest compliment when Brookey's daycare teacher would say things like, "She is such a joy to have here!" Sure, she's a joy to ME but that is worthless if she's a pain in the ass to other people.

3) Parents want their children to be well-prepared for life: Parents should want their children to be socially, intellectually and morally ready to handle the outside world when they're not around. And don't think of this in terms of when the kids are 18 and out of the house. This applies the first time they go to the babysitters or their first day of Kindergarten. Skills like manners, moral decision-making, and handling disappointment are good examples of skills we can teach to help our kids be prepared for life.

Parents have control over all three of these goals--for the most part. We attain these goals by instilling good values in our kids--and this means different things in every family. We can control behavior so they're not out of control brats. And we can give them the tools they need to make it in the world...and as Ezzo says, "without GIVING them the world."

Recipe of the Week: It's a Fiesta!

I am always looking for new, healthy recipe ideas that will satisfy me, my somewhat picky husband and a my 3 year old. I am never afraid to experiment or try a new recipe. Through lots and lots of trial and error, I have found many recipes that are "keepers" and are archived in my family recipe book. I will try and post a new healthy, family-friendly recipe each week. As you try them, feel free to let me know how your family liked them--especially the little ones!



Homemade Low-Fat Tortilla Chips and Guacamole in the Bag

Oven Baked, Low Fat Tortilla Chips
Since we have been making these chips, we can never go back to the store brand tortilla chips. They have 7 grams less fat than regular tortilla chips per serving and A LOT less sodium if you go easy on the salt.

20 small corn tortillas
Olive oil spray
Sea Salt

- Preheat oven to 375
- Spray baking sheets with olive oil spray
- Cut tortillas in triangles (quarters)
- Arrange tortillas in an even layer on baking sheets. Spray with olive oil spray and sprinkle with sea salt.
- Bake at 375 about 10-15 minutes until golden brown and crispy.
- Chips can be made ahead and stored a week or more in an airtight container or resealable plastic bag.

Guacamole in the Bag
** I know this one is kid friendly because Brooke would eat the whole bowl if we let her!

- 2 ripe avocados
- Juice of half a lime
- 2 tablespoons minced cilantro (or to taste)
- 2-4 tablespoons of canned, diced tomatoes, well drained (i know, canned tomatoes sounds weird but it really works! Of course you can use fresh, too)
- 1 teaspoon of sea salt (or to taste)
- 1-2 teaspoons store-bought guac mix

- Combine all ingredients in a large Ziploc bag; seal.
- Mash together with your hands until completely combined and desired consistency; transfer to serving bowl; taste;reseason
- Refrigerate about an hour to allow flavors to marry or serve immediately with your homemade chips!

Being a P.C. Parent

It's not what you think. I don't care whether you're Politically Correct or not. I highly doubt that type of "PC" has any affect on your parenting abilities. The "PC" I am referring to is a reference in The Baby Whisperer series that stands for Patience and Consciousness--two skills that are absolutely essential to good parenting.

Patience: If you're a mom of a child of ANY age--from 4 weeks to 4,000 weeks, you understand that parenting demands patience. Some people, Pre-School and Kindergarten teachers in particular, are born with patience. They could have a classroom full of kids--some kids have decided it would be fun to paint each other green over at the art station, in the class library area two kids are screaming over a book, another kid just spilled an 1,000 piece puzzle, Susie is whining she has to go to the bathroom--and still this teacher is smiling and calmly speaking with a parent telling her that yes, Johnny is doing just GREAT in her class. Nothing ruffles her feathers. For the other 99% of us--patience is a learned skill.

I recently heard the quote, "With kids, the days are long but the years are short." If you take a step back from the daily hustle and bustle of parenting, it seems like days are weeks and weeks are years. I remember when I was in the midst of potty training Brooke. I was hunched over her potty chair begging her to poop and she simply refused. I remember being in TEARS thinking my kid is NEVER, EVER going to poop in the potty, convinced she'd be going to go to middle school with Pull Ups. Then a few days later, she pooped and I realized I had technically only been trying to potty train her for a little over a WEEK!! Why did it seem like 5 years??! And when you're in the heat of taking care of a newborn, why does it seem like it's taking a YEAR for them to sleep through the night when really, it's a few months or less??? Patience, my friend. This too shall pass.

When your kids get a little older, patience takes on a whole new meaning. Ever tried to leave the house with a 3 year old? Putting on shoes "by herself"=3 minutes. Going pee "by herself"=3 minutes. Get a drink or snack "by herself"=4 minutes. 10 minutes later you can FINALLY leave but then you realize that YOU have to pee and get a snack! Of course, you could do all of this for her-put on her shoes, take her to the potty and grab a snack in under a minute--and sometimes that is what you HAVE to do. But the majority of the time, kids should learn to do things for themselves. That's how they learn. They'll never learn to put their shoes on the right feet if you are constantly doing it for them. It's important for us to take a step back and not be in such a rush to rescue our kids at every moment. Our job as parents is to effectively guide our children, not to specifically show them the way every single time. Our lack of patience often gets in the way of everyday learning opportunities for our kids.

Consciousness: The word conscious is defined as "being aware of one's existence, thoughts and surroundings." As parents, we need to become extremely conscious of our little one's existence, thoughts and surroundings. That may seem like a no-brainer, but is it?

How well do you tune into your baby? Have you learned her cries, her quirks, what sets her off? What's her overall style? Content? Grumpy? Easygoing? Feisty? Touchy? Active? It's important to know our kids as who they ARE, not who we want them to be. Learn WHO your child is and appreciate, accept and nurture it. Learning this takes time and a heightened sense of awareness--something that cannot be accomplished if you're just going through the motions everyday. Slow down. OBSERVE. LISTEN to your kids. From the moment they come into the world, if you pay close attention they will tell you something about their personality every single day.

Being a conscious parent also means being aware of what you say and do with your child. How do you speak to your child? Is your tone generally that of respect? Or are you constantly trying to fix, criticize or correct your child? Do you take time to actually sit and talk with your child or are most of your days so busy you only have time "go through the motions" of school, soccer, dinner, homework, bath and bed? How much do you talk to your child? How much do you listen? How consistent are you with your child? Is his bedtime 7pm one day and 10pm the next? Do you give into his whining one day but not the other? Do you put him in timeout for talking back to you one day but let it slide the next?

The more you are aware of what you do as a parent, the better you will be able to troubleshoot various problems throughout your child's life. A (teeny) tiny part of me wishes I had an invisible camera crew around to record my interactions with my kids. I don't want to end up like the Gosslins, though so I guess I'll pass on the camera crew. I do however, try to reflect on my parenting everyday. I am my biggest critic. That's how we learn and get better at something. After all, none of us were born perfect parents. And none of us were born knowing how to BE a parent.

Our kids need our patience and their need us to be tuned into them (conscious). Both take practice but both can make us happier parents which in turn, make for happier kids.

Manners

Ah, if only kids were born with good manners...i think I would be a lot less tired. When Brooke turned 3 I really started working with her on certain manners I felt were pivotal in life. Now that I reflect back on it , I should have started much earlier--like 12 months! Sure, I have always encouraged her to say "please" and "thank you" at a young age, but there was definitely more I could have been doing.

To me, manners, etiquette and overall people skills can take you a long way in life. In fact, being "book smart" and having a high IQ score doesn't necessarily ensure success in life. We all can think of someone that we knew who was extremely book smart but couldn't carry on a decent conversation to save their lives. These people flock to UC Berkeley, by the way--just talkin' from experience! :-)

It's never too early to start teaching good etiquette. The following five etiquette items are what I feel are the most important to teach young children for success later in life. Although some of these things may seem elementary, believe it or not it is RARE, very RARE to find these traits in young children. Believe me, at the school where I teach (elementary grades K-5) I might get ONE "please" or "thank you" a day. Most parents seem to want their kids to excel academically or in sports. However, parents can REALLY put their kids ten steps above the pack by teaching them some social skills...which will endure long after they blow out their knees and can no longer play basketball.

Top Etiquette Items

1) Please, thank you, excuse me and bless you: This is a basic life skill. How awesome would it be if your 2 year old to heard a stranger sneeze and followed it up with "bless you!" It would certainly take the stranger by surprise! Or if your 3 year old was in line at the grocery store and accidentally bumped the person in front, only to follow up with, "Excuse me." People are not used to hearing children be so polite. In fact, I don't think people are used to hearing ADULTS be so polite!

2) Interrupting: If there is one "kid" pet peeve of mine, it's interrupting. Ever tried having a conversation with a friend and her cute, but annoying two year old keeps wailing "Moooommmmeeee!", hovering around incessantly pining for Mom's attention? It's enough to drive you nuts, especially when it's your own kid! Although I don't want to restrict my child from talking and expressing herself, children need to learn how to restrain themselves in certain situations. This skill may be one of your toddlers first lessons in self-control.

Unfortunately, I put up with Brooke doing this far too long. I guess I didn't know how to put a stop to it until I read a great tip in the "Babywise" series. This is what I am doing (with success!). First, I waited until she performed the dreaded deed of interrupting--nothing like a teaching IN the moment. Then I explained to her that Mommy and Daddy were talking and it wasn't OK to interrupt when two people are talking. I told her I was still really interested in what she had to say, so if she had something to say, she needed to raise her hand (LIFE skills, my friends!). When she raises her hand, I acknowledge her by nodding or putting my hand on hers--just so she knows that I see her. She's allowed to speak when I say, "Ok, what do you have to say?" Although Brooke is FAR from mastering "interruption etiquette" as I call it, (she's a MAJOR chatterbox) I have definitely seen progress. It's so cute to see her wildly raising her hand out of the corner of my eye when Scott and I are talking.

3) Table manners: When Brooke turned 3, we began having dinner in the formal dining room each evening. I firmly believe it sitting down to dinner each night, saying grace and having good conversation. We're all busy, but this is one time during the day we can all come together. Below are the "rules" I have put in place for Brooke. Consequences are one warning and if it happens again, she gets down from the table and her dinnertime is over, no exceptions:

- We don't start eating until everyone has their food.
- Ask to be excused from the table.
- No playing with food.

4) Introducing yourself, hand shaking: Yes, I am trying to teach my 3 year old the beauty of a good, solid handshake when meeting adults she doesn't know. Followed with, "Hi, my name is Brooke." We've been role-playing at home (3 year olds--they LOVE "pretend!!") and she had a chance to test her skills at a recent party we went to. She did beautifully with the first two people and then shriveled back to her old shy ways. But we're still working on it--there is definite progress!

5) Addressing adults: I don't allow Brooke to call any adult non-family member by their first name. She doesn't call my friends "Traci" or "Jean." She calls them Mrs. Golis and Mrs. Jordan. This is one of the first steps you can take to teach kids respect for adults. Because you know, "kids these days..." they have no respect for their elders!!

Keep in mind, Brooke is 3 1/2 and she has not completely mastered any of these except (maybe) "thank you" and #5. But never underestimate what your little one can do. Don't fall for the excuse, "they're too young to be expected to do that." Demand high expectations and they will reap the benefits for a lifetime.

PS--As for the nose-picking....I choose my battles!!! There is only so much one person can do :-)

Plane Travel with Little Ones Part 3: We all need a little Rx

When we hear doctors talk about the main risk factors for heart attacks we always hear about: diet, lack of exercise and genetics.

When traveling with kids, there are three main risk factors for meltdowns: hunger, fatigue and boredom. In my experience, these three predictors are applicable to all age groups (including adults!!!) Here are some of my personal travel tips to beat these three things that I have learned our own plane trips with Brooke and most recently Brooke and Will. I encourage everyone to post their favorite plane travel tips as well. It never hurts to have an arsenal of ideas before heading for the airport.

Hunger

Signs and symptoms of hunger include crying, tantrums and fatigue brought on by low blood sugar. This is the easiest risk factor to remedy. Here are my personal tips, all of which I have learned via trial and error:

- Always ARRIVE at the airport with a well-fed infant or child. Even if it means feeding baby quickly in the car before you enter the airport. It's never fun to hear "I'm huuuungrrrryyy" or deal with a crying, ravenous infant while you're barefoot in the security line.

- Pack food (duh!). For older kids and toddlers, this means preferably, food that is high in protein and low in sugar. And God forbid, no chocolate!! My favorite things to pack are 1) Frozen edamame (keeps everything cold and they thaw out in a couple of hours; packed with protein) 2) Low fat salami and cheese sandwiches on whole wheat rolls--protein!! Of course you could do turkey or ham as well. 3) Low sugar granola or snack bars. Brooke likes Odwalla bars. 4) Celery and peanut butter 5) Trail mix or dried fruit 6) Apple slices coated with lemon 6) Cheese cubes and crackers

- One of the best things we did on our last trip is eat as soon as we got off the plane. If you are flying in or out of an international airport, there are usually some pretty decent places to eat. We got some food and then walked to baggage claim where our luggage was waiting for us, instead of the other way around. The kids had their tummies full and we weren't scrambling to get them fed while battling 350 people at the luggage carousel. Plus, it was just a lot more relaxing to sit and regroup after the flight and Scott and I could eat some "real" food.

Boredom

Signs and symptoms of of boredom include whining, being less obedient than usual, pissing off other people and doing generally annoying things like coloring on the airplane windows.

If you are traveling with little ones in the Red Zone (age 7 months to about 2 1/2), this can be a tough one. Some boredom busters I've discovered are:

1) DVDs: Until about age 2 1/2, you won't get much use out of the DVD themselves but I still brought a portable DVD player and favorite DVDs. It at least bought us 15 minutes or so of "quiet time" when Brooke was under 2. She liked playing with the buttons!

2) Play "I Spy": With kids 2 1/2 and up you can do this anywhere. On the plane, in the car, in the ticket line. Just say I Spy something....red, blue, green etc. and have you child look for it. Then it's their turn to ask the question. You can also do it with any book or even the Sky Mall magazine:" I spy something you can cook with" or " spy something you wear on your head. " This kept Brooke entertained for at least a half an hour on our most recent flight and for a half hour when we were waiting to board.

3) Food: If your child is eating finger foods, bring along his favorite finger foods. Eating is a great way to pass the time! :-)

4 ) See and Say: We all know this toy. I got Brooke one when she was about 8 months and it was a smaller one that wasn't loud enough to annoy anyone sitting around us. It kept her entertained for quite awhile, given she was so young. It's really tough to entertain the 2 and under crowd, but give them some animal sounds and they're usually happy.

5) New toys: Bring along at least 3 new things your child has never seen before. If she's old enough to appreciate it, wrap them up so it's like a mini-Christmas! The Target dollar bin or the local dollar store items have worked well for us.

6) My least favorite-- walking up and down the aisles. But it's important to keep those little ones active! Even going to the nasty bathroom for a diaper change is at least 5-10 minutes of time passed! :-)

Fatigue

Signs and symptoms of fatigue include crying, screaming, yelling, rolling on the floor, whining and just generally being a pain in the ass, giving you the feeling that you may want to shoot yourself. In my opinion, fatigue is the most common reason for airplane meltdowns but it's the hardest to cure. You and I both know how tough it is to sleep on an airplane and your child feels the same way. When your child is overtired and cranky on the airplane, the best thing you can do is try to get them comfy so they can sleep. There are also a few things you can do to try and prevent fatigue:

- The day before you fly, try to make it a very low-key day for your child. Don't drag them all over creation so you can buy last minute travel items. Stay home, make sure they get a good nap in and to bed as early as possible.

- We've traveled at ALL different times of day and I've noticed that around 11am to 12pm seems to be a good flight departure time. You're not getting the kids up at the crack of dawn (unless you live a really long way from the airport) and it's close to an afternoon naptime, so if the stars are aligned, you have a good chance at getting them to take their afternoon nap on the plane. One important thing to note, I have tried many times to try get Brooke to run around the airport or get her up super early in order to tire her out so she'll sleep on the flight. Most every time, those ideas have backfired on me. Getting a kid riled up before the flight will most likely lead to her becoming OVER tired and not being able to sleep. By making things as calm, relaxing and normal as possible, you'll have a better shot at promoting her to take her regular nap.

- If you live more than a hour from the airport and have an early morning flight (9am or before) consider staying at a hotel right by the airport. Yes, it costs money but since when is having kids cheap?! We did this for our 9am flight back for California from Chicago and it worked out wonderfully. I highly recommend the Chicago O'Hare Hilton! A 5 minute stroll and you are in the Terminal! Plus, the kids got to wake up on their own time without me waking them at some God-awful hour.

There are tons more travel tips but these are the ones that have worked for us. Please post all of your best tips, too--I'm always looking for ways to make traveling easier. Especially since I have an up and coming Red-Zoner! :-)

Plane Travel with Little Ones: Part 1

I just returned from our annual trip to the Midwest to visit Scott's family--the first time with two kids in tow! To Scott and I both, it's extremely important for our kids to know their family on both sides. So it wouldn't matter if we had one kid or four, we would always make the effort to make this annual trip.

I will shamelessly admit that I was dreading this trip. I was really excited to see the family, don't get me wrong. BUT....the car seats, the changing diapers on the plane, the blowouts and of course--the God-forsaken security line with all the gel-and-liquid-declaring, shoe-taking off, laptop-taking-out and stroller-folding-up HELL. It's enough to make anyone never want to fly again. Yes my friends, before we left Scott and I dug in our heels, gritted our teeth and decided with a newborn and a (very) active 3 year old, that this was going to be the trip from hell. Not to mention since I have been on maternity leave, I have had both Brooke and Will on a pretty good schedule so of course, that was going to be thrown completely out of whack.

But as with many things in life, good things happen when you least expect them. It was the EASIEST trip I we have taken with kid(s)! In fact, we both wished we would have stayed longer! As I sat on the plane with an occupied 3 year old on one side of me and a sleeping baby on my arms I developed the following observations:

1) If you love to travel, having kids should not stop you. If you do some good planning-ahead, traveling with little ones doesn't always have to be a pain in the butt. My travel tips from this trip will be in the next blog and I hope everyone will share theirs as well!

2) Even if your plane travel with your little ones is a diarrhea, scream-fest, meltdown disaster, just grin and bear it. Look at it this way--more than likely, in 5 hours or less, it will all be over. Plus, it will make for some hilarious stories and blog posts! And you know what--when these little rascals are around 12 or 13, they'll refuse to be seen in public with you much less TRAVEL with you, so just laugh as you're changing the third blowout in 2 hours.

3) A stable, well-planned (ok, scheduled!!) home-life is an absolute Godsend when traveling with kids. More on that in the next post!

4) The more your kids travel, the more both you and your child will get used to the drill. And with each subsequent year your child gets older, the easier it gets: the first time we went to the Midwest with Brooke, she was 7 months and I didn't know what in the heck I was doing--tough. The second time, she was 18 months--tough age, meltdown central. The third time, she was 2 1/2 and it was much easier but not perfect. This time, she's 3 1/2 and although there were many kinks I still need to work out, it was pretty painless. She was taking off her shoes and walking through security like a pro.

5) Age of your kids definitely plays a part in ease of travel (0-6 months and 3-4 years and up seems to me to be the easiest). However unless you want your kids to completely put your travel life on hold, you need to suck it up. I for one, refuse to stay home for 5+ years until both of my kids are at a "sane" traveling age! If you follow "Babywise" philosophy, your children are an amazing ADDITION to your family life--but your life shouldn't completely revolve around them. So even if you think it might be a pain in the butt, give it a try. You could be missing out on a lot of fun! In fact, one of the most fun, relaxing "vacations" I have taken was a trip to Florida to visit Scott's grandparents when Brooke was about 16 months old.

So go for it!!!!

Preparing Your Child for Baby #2

When I found out I was pregnant with Will, I was thrilled. All I could think of was holding that little bundle of joy in my arms. After the initial excitement wore off, I started freaking out. So many things ran through my mind: Could we afford another one in daycare? Would I ever have any time to myself again? Could I possibly love anyone as much as I love Brooke? And more important, were we ready? Was Brooke ready? Right away, I began thinking about how exactly I would prepare Brooke for a new family member. I had a baby before--I knew the drill--diaper changing, midnight feedings, labor pains. But Brooke had never been through this experience before. I wanted her to be prepared and I also wanted her to be as excited as Scott and I were.

Since Baby Will was born, Brooke has never been anything short of amazing toward her little brother. She is caring, compassionate, helpful and patient with him. Some of this may have to do with her generally nurturing temperament, however I think there are certain things you can do to help your older child become a wonderful sibling:

1) Mind the Gap (age, that is): I understand things don't always work out perfectly when it comes to the timing of getting pregnant. However, if you can at all "plan" a time to have another baby, I believe the ideal age gap is around 3 years, give or take. Before age 3, children operate in very literal, concrete world. They can't even begin to grasp future events that they can't see. Therefore, trying to explain to a 1 year old, "you are going to have a little sister!" means about as much to them as telling them they will be rich and famous someday. They don't care--all they care about is how they are going to get the Oreos sitting on the counter behind you or when Barney is going to be on. When children turn 3, they enter the world of "fantasy." The primary type of play is make-believe. After age 3, the world of imagination opens up in children as their brains are now able to at least partially, begin to understand future events that have not yet taken place. You are also able to reason with a 3 year old. This comes in VERY handy when talking to them about their new sibling (see #2 below).

2) Talk, talk, talk: Even if your little one is not 3 years old and may not be able to quite grasp the concept of a new family member, it's OK. You can still talk, talk and talk to them about what their world is going to be like in a few months. I'm all about realistic parenting--i don't sugar coat too much. From the very beginning, we explained to Brooke that when the new baby came, Mommy and Daddy would not have quite as much time to spend with her as they do now because babies require lots of attention. We would find certain random moments during the day to casually mention this to her and would always follow it up with, "but Mommy and Daddy still love you very much and we'll still have our special time together." My favorite time to talk to her about the upcoming changes was during story time right before bed. I would say something like, "You know Mommy will have less time to spend with you when the baby comes, but story time is always OUR special time together." At first she just stared at me with a glazed-over look, but after a month or so, it started to sink in and she would ask me questions about the new baby. This was such a great way for us to communicate her feelings about what was about to happen.

3) Teach independence...NOW: Don't wait until the baby comes for you to say, "Mommy needs to feed the baby, go play." Parents who have not taught their kids how to play on their own or taught their kids any self-help skills will have a difficult time when Baby #2 arrives. This is especially true with kids younger than 2 who often have trouble entertaining themselves for long periods of time in general. If your first child hasn't learned to entertain herself, start teaching her immediately. Start with just 3-5 minutes of independent play--without you in the room. Make sure you give her something to do, don't just say, "go play." It could be a coloring page, a puzzle or legos. After they have mastered 5 minutes of independent play, add time in 5 minute increments until they are able to independently play for about 30 minutes. By the way, 30 minutes could take months or even years to master. Depending on her mood, my 3 year old still has trouble with 30 minutes without me in the room if she doesn't have a friend over or something really engaging to do. But it's a goal worth working toward.


If your little one is younger than 2'ish or you are concerned she will get into trouble :-), you could have "playpen time" where you leave baby in her playpen with some toys and allow her to play for a set amount of time WITHOUT you in the room. You can do this with a baby as young as 6 months and is great training when separation anxiety kicks in around 9 months. However, I wouldn't leave a baby who is just initially going through separation anxiety alone for more than about 5-10 minutes--they need to know that you are there for them. And of course, no matter what age, you should always be close by in case they do get into any "trouble." :-)

4) Read: Reading stories about new babies coming into families gives kids that concrete-ness they need to understand what is about to happen. See the links below for my favorite books on this topic.

5) Quality time: Once the baby arrives, be sure you spend good-quality, uninterrupted time with your first child every single day. It could be as little as 10 or 15 minutes, but you need to show your first child that they are still very much a part of your life--the world doesn't revolve around the baby. If you have your new baby on a routine, this becomes fairly easy since you know you will (for the most part) have set nap times.

6) Enlist their help, but don't force it: Make your first child feel like they are going to be a VITAL part of the new baby's arrival. And they are! Just making little comments like, "You are such a good helper! Wow--when the new baby comes, you'll be able to help so much!" See how they react. If they don't respond well, keep trying but never force them participate once the baby comes. Let her ease into her "new life" on her own time.

My favorite books to read with siblings-to-be:

I'm a Big Sister by Joanna Cole

I'm a Big Brother by Joanna Cole

The New Baby by Mister Rogers

The New Baby at Your House by Joanna Cole and Margaret Miller

Because of You - sweetest book to read to both the sibling-to-be AND the new baby! I read this book to Will everyday when he was in the NICU!